Evil Bitch Syndrome

I don't know about you ladies, but I have been well aware of the evil that women possess for quite some time now. You notice it way before you even realize it, when you're young and you unconsciously start acting like it's survival of the fittest and every female needs to be chopped at the knees to protect...something or other. I think I really began to notice and want to understand more when I reached high school. My senior paper was about how much worse it is when females bully each other than when it happens between males. Dane Cook said it best, we are Brain Ninjas. Yet another unfortunate product of this society and how we are raised, women are bred to hate each other. This is a fact. Some of us fight it off better than others, but ultimately we all play this vicious game. Let me elaborate. Women constantly compete with each other...over EVERYTHING. You have to be more educated, prettier, skinnier, have a better job, a better boyfriend, a nicer car, a nicer house, get more catcalls or get hit on more, have more friends, be funnier...better, better, better. Even when you like the damn girl you gotta "one up" her. Hey, don't kill the messenger, I am just saying what's really going on inside. There is no such thing as altruism in the girl world. You never can just do something for another female and not expect something in return or go home and not talk shit about what a "dumb thing to do" or "good for her, but I'd never do that." I know you all are thinking, "Lindsay really does this?!? Wow, what a mean girl!" Yeahhhhh, no. We ALL do this!!! I know we do because I see it every damn day!!! Once you realize this is how females are, you notice it everywhere!!! We are masters of the fake smile while you're secretly calling her a bitch in your head. We expect too much. There is no such thing as a secret between girlfriends. If it's not told to another female, odds are her man/other half/boyfriend/boo/hubby/husband knows...so at least consider that. And you know if another girl pisses you off you will be immediately trying to find a way to get her back. Doesn't even have to be that bad, just next time she asks you for a small favor, "Hey, can you drive me to the airport?" You: "Oh, no sorry I have to work that day." and you ain't even workin'. Yeah, that kind of shit. I could go on for days about the complexity of a female friendship, but the truth is...you all know exactly what I'm talking about. Even if you don't play every game, you play or have played a game. Even if it's not something to break up a friendship, bust a girl's lip or they may have even known you did it, you've done it. The real question is: How do we stop it?!? If ever we needed a superhero, I have not seen the one who can fix this...So what can YOU do?!? I honestly do not have an answer. All I can say in my own personal experience is that it is a damn difficult thing to try to stop entirely...trust me I have tried. I am proud to say that I am "doing my part." But this stuff is so ingrained in our brains, you can't get it all out. It's like a reflex that just shoots up before you even have time to stop it, like turrets syndrome. I can also say that it's not always this bad with every friend. You can have friendships that are good and you can truly like a girl, you're just not going to be perfect and there will be times that you'll talk smack about the fight you just had when her back is turned...not even necessarily to talk smack, but just to vent. It happens. I personally have just come to realize, as many of you may have noticed, that I just don't hang out with girls like I used to. I don't have besties and girlfriends that I call and text constantly and tell all of my secrets to. Why?!? Because bitches have burned me too many times...I forgive ya, but the door isn't gonna hang open for it to happen again. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." And I don't like to shame myself...Even when I have done my darnedest and have gone out of my way to fight every single urge to do these things and be a genuine GOOD FRIEND, I have realized that I can only control myself. I can stop being "that bitch," but I can't make you or her or them stop. I can't guarantee I won't be talked about and laughed at and have my secrets told. I can't guarantee that I'm not being competed with and lied to or that you even like me. You can sure as shit bet though if I see you doing this to someone else, we aren't gonna be buds. I will expect nothing less from you in fact and although we may get along great, we won't be calling, texting, hanging out, sharing secrets, etc. This is the thing about me, I've never been afraid to "say no to bitches" and this usually gets me the label of being stuck up or a BITCH. But really I'm just smart enough to not get involved with these kind of people and if this pisses you off...FIGURE IT OUT!!! Learn to stop being a snatch, don't blame me for dodging your BS. So there ya go, I just stay away from girls. I will admit that I am not totally cured, but take solace my friends, I am at least working on it. I admit I have not always been the best friend, but the first step is to admit it...ADMITTED. And then next to make a change...CHANGING. So here I go. I know what the signs of Evil Bitch Syndrome are and I throw on the brakes and put it in reverse when I catch myself doing it, so I challenge any of you the next time you see signs or symptoms to do the same. You can distrust me now and say "I don't want to be friends with someone who does that," but again, we all do so you might end up completely friendless. Also, keep in mind that we don't always mean to be this way and that not all girls do this for PLEASURE!! Yes, some sick and demented girls like this BS and they enjoy this so just make sure you weed them out and kick 'em to the curb!!! Don't finish reading this and call all of your friends and say "YOU BITCH!!!" Cause you might need to make a call to yourself in that event. Mostly, just be aware of when you're doing it. If we all did our small part then we could make this world a better place for us all...we could create harmony and could find a way to WORLD PEACE...ha ha ha ok not that dramatic, but ya feel me?!?