Sometimes, I feel like a stranger to myself. I didn't come with an owner's manual nor a blueprint. I haven't always known who I am (or still completely do for that matter) and the key to my self-understanding only works half the time. I am a complicated puzzle. I am an unwritten book that I'm still trying to compose in my head. I am a work in progress.
I most certainly have made a lot of mistakes in my life, some smaller or bigger than others, but recently some of the most major ones have started to catch up with me. I've identified them and without realizing, until too late, that I have been secretly beating myself up over them for years. It's hard to have others call you out on your mistakes, but it's even harder to have to call yourself out or more appropriately for me, your body calls you out because it can't take it anymore. I ignored how much these mistakes were having an impact on me and now, my health has begun to suffer for it. How could I be so blind? How could I so blatantly ignore something that was impacting my life so much? I have my reasons. I find ways to justify the heartache I was (and still am) allowing myself to live through. There are logistical and monetary reasons for staying where I am, but meanwhile, my mind, body and soul suffer for it.
Anyone I am sharing this with already knows why I am suffering. No reason to go into the name calling and description of my soul-sucker, especially because some people don't think it's right for me to complain. Some people would kill for what I have. Some people would do what I do and be more than happy and wouldn't complain a second. Don't judge me. You don't know the battle I'm fighting.
Over the years, I have taken much interest in sociology and understanding who I am, who you are, and why we are who we are. I am truly fascinated with studies on introversion and extroversion (Meyers-Briggs), numerology (no, I do not read horoscopes, I just find that my personality often fits with when I was born), the personality of people with certain names, etc. Some people do not agree or believe in any of these things, but I absolutely agree that we are all very different people and that unless you take the time to understand someone, you can't blast them for who they are. Most importantly, you must come to understand (or at least try to understand) yourself.
Maybe numerology isn't the most trusted of my sources, but the Meyers-Briggs absolutely is. I have come to realize that I am introverted and that the categories of introversion I fall into, are what forms the way I feel and react to things in life. One of the particular and most important ways I feel about life, is one that I have contradicted for the last 4 years and am now paying severely for. I committed the cardinal sin of ignoring my heart, and my mind and body has been battling too long to keep up the fight. My defense mechanisms are wearing down. I've allowed myself to become my own personal punching bag.
I have beat myself up the most out of anyone in this life. Whether it be allowing myself to suffer when I knew better or by allowing others to get to me for not understanding me or sometimes even because they are just assholes, but either way. I am beginning more and more to understand who I am and that I need to listen to me when something doesn't agree with who I am and that I am NOT to be ashamed for someone treating me badly because they don't understand me. No one is allowed to make me feel small without my consent.
I feel like one of my elders saying, "I told you so," about realizing too late that we don't know everything in this life and that you really won't begin to understand until your youth is almost wasted. And anyone older than me, please do not take offense, I'm sure many of you would kill to be 28 again, but I too am struggling with getting older and am sad that it took me to almost the age of 30 to figure this
out. All I want to do is try to salvage my last 2 years as a 20 something and say that I didn't completely waste what is supposed to be the prime of my life. So here is what I have learned.
1. First and foremost, I am not the kind of person that will survive and "just suck it up," when it comes to matters of the heart. Some people can go to shitty jobs and hate it and go home and forget all about it. That's not me. I care immensely that I am happy in all aspects of my life, especially in an obligatory, 40+ hour a week job. If you make me and I don't want to, I will despise you. I need something to look forward to, not to dread. Some will say, "you should be happy to have a job." Yes, I am grateful to have a job, but that does not mean that it does not eat away at my soul that it is not my dream job. I am not ashamed now to admit that I made a mistake, I went the wrong direction, this isn't for me.
2. Which brings me to #2. I need something to look forward to. I can't stay stagnant. Those who know me, know that I love to entertain. I feel it's one of the few things in my life that I can create and control that will give not only myself joy, but others. I finish one party and I'm on to planning my next.
3. I also hate parties. When I am unable to control the environment and who is in it, it's uncomfortable. This is an introvert thing. We are most comfortable alone or in small groups of our choosing. If you invite me to a party with 100 people I don't know, I will find an excuse not to be there. This is both an explanation and a confession. If I have said I would be there and canceled on you and you thought my excuse wasn't legit, you could be right. Not always, but yes, I am guilty of canceling on certain things sometimes. This does not mean that I don't care about you, but you'd have to understand how socially uncomfortable it can be for someone who is not extroverted. I tend to be quiet, awkward or need a couple beers to loosen me up. I am working on this because I do not want to be a one-sided friend, but nevertheless, this is my realization.
4. I am lazy. I could sleep all day and be lazy all day. Oh, and be up all night. True story. I actually always have a lot of grand plans in my head of fabulous things to do on my weekend and then the weekend comes and we sleep. I don't know that there is a solution for this, but I realize it.
5. I need proper motivation because I am lazy. Some of my mistakes and problems have been staring me in the face for a lonnnggg time, but I haven't found the motivator to get me going, until now. I can tell myself til I'm blue in the face that I NEED to do something or make a change, but if the wrong thing is easier or more fun than working hard to get something in my mind, the wrong thing will win.
6. I am INCREDIBLY observant. I am a walking listener, seer and memory bank. I overhear, but act like I don't. I see and pretend I didn't. I will remember the most minute things that you don't even remember saying or doing. I have a photographic memory. I can remember moments clearly and can remember things that were said at that time. This can be both a blessing and a curse. I will remember names, people will forget mine. I will remember what your favorites are and your birthday gift will be amazing. I can remember something awful that was said to me, for years. A blessing. A curse.
7. I am INCREDIBLY sensitive to other people's feelings, even when they do not offer me the same respect. I am very good at putting myself in someone else's shoes and knowing that if I say this or that or do this or that to a person, they will most likely feel like this. I do not harm, even those who have harmed me because I have a conscience, and I will feel bad for doing to others what they have so easily done to me.
8. I will always stick up for the underdog. I will root for the Cinderella story over the given win or brute force team. Every. Time.
9. I stick up for and have a tender heart for those who are less fortunate than me. I give to charities in small and bigger ways all year long. This is one of the few times you will see or hear me say it, but this is why I am a Democrat. I don't believe we should hand everything over, but I do believe that we will get nowhere in this world by keeping everything to ourselves. Telling ourselves that any one of us is better than another and leaving people who are in a hard spot (self-created or unavoidable) to suffer alone is selfish and all that is wrong in this world. An utter disregard for our fellow humans. I am a humanitarian. Greed should not become us. Don't judge people. You don't know what battle they are fighting.
10. You is kind. You is smart. You is important. Repeat.
11. Relationships are everything. I truly value who I have in my life and also realize that you need to only keep people around you who truly value you. If you feel like a second-class citizen to friends or family, let them go. This has been a huge battle for me for pretty much ever because some of what should be the biggest relationships in my life, have been the most empty. I don't deserve that. Find other people who are willing to fill those holes and remember, sometimes blood is not thicker than water.
12. Make time for the things in life that you love and enjoy and make you most happy. You may not have the time and money for all of these things all of the time, but improvise. Stop making excuses for the things you love to suffer while you create time for the things you are forced to do that make you miserable.
13. Learn to say no. You can't be everything and everywhere for everyone all of the time. This has been hard for me mostly because saying no has meant missing out a lot. When you don't have weekends off and you sleep when everyone is awake, you have to say no a lot, and mostly for your own health. It kills me to say no because I have to go to work and be somewhere I least like to be when my friends and family are off doing fun things together. I could just say I won't sleep and get off work at 6 am and go to brunch at 11 am and hope I can fall asleep after. But lack of sleep (remember #4, I am lazy and I like to sleep) is not healthy and does not make me any happier than when I miss things. It sucks all around, but sometimes you have to say no. Not everyone will understand, but I have found that the ones who do understand will be the first ones to show up when I re-create these moments at times that will work for us all.
14. I love to teach and encourage. This is my purpose in life. To understand that we are all different and to take the time to teach someone in the way that they need to be taught and to applaud them for these accomplishments. There is nothing worse than a teacher that does not understand this. Who treats students like they are all the same and that one who does not understand, should be embarrassed or labeled as "dumb" compared to another, simply because you're a shitty teacher. We all have the capability to learn, we all just do so in different ways. I gain the most joy when I am asked to train and my trainees tell me how much they appreciated me and that I did a good job.
15. I am worthy. Despite all of my shortcomings, mistakes and doubts (real, imagined, perceived and pointed out by others), I am worthy. I did the best with what I had at the time and even if I am paying for some of them in the long run, tomorrow is always another chance to turn it all around. To make new mistakes, but to hopefully make better ones.
So this is me saying, "pull the lever Kronk," and letting the floor drop out beneath me. This level has been beaten to death and it's time to start over on the next one with a new set of lives or more appropriately, life. I intend to breathe the life back into my life and overcome what has been beaten out of me. I will simplify, cut out and eliminate my demons and strengthen the important things that have previously been left behind in the aftermath.
I was recently called a stress bucket. Yes. Yes, I am. A 5 foot 6 blonde and blue-eyed bucket o' stress with a constant drip from above, constantly keeping me overflowing and spilling out onto the floor. And I've tried like the sorcerer's apprentice to clean up the mess before anyone finds out, but to no avail. I need someone's magic to help me out. It is ok to ask for help, to become my own friend again. I don't need to be Wonder Woman, just the wonderful woman that I am.
Tomorrow is finally the official start of my new journey. I am meeting with a holistic health coach, and friend, to help me get my life on track and bring peace to it because I now know, I can't do it alone. That I can't do it alone, is one of the biggest realizations that not only I, but we ALL need to come to in this world. We are not alone in this world so why do we isolate ourselves and insist on carrying the weight of the world alone? Stress is my addiction and I have been unable to beat it alone. This is a weight too great for me to carry.
Next chapter. Turn the page.
I most certainly have made a lot of mistakes in my life, some smaller or bigger than others, but recently some of the most major ones have started to catch up with me. I've identified them and without realizing, until too late, that I have been secretly beating myself up over them for years. It's hard to have others call you out on your mistakes, but it's even harder to have to call yourself out or more appropriately for me, your body calls you out because it can't take it anymore. I ignored how much these mistakes were having an impact on me and now, my health has begun to suffer for it. How could I be so blind? How could I so blatantly ignore something that was impacting my life so much? I have my reasons. I find ways to justify the heartache I was (and still am) allowing myself to live through. There are logistical and monetary reasons for staying where I am, but meanwhile, my mind, body and soul suffer for it.
Anyone I am sharing this with already knows why I am suffering. No reason to go into the name calling and description of my soul-sucker, especially because some people don't think it's right for me to complain. Some people would kill for what I have. Some people would do what I do and be more than happy and wouldn't complain a second. Don't judge me. You don't know the battle I'm fighting.
Over the years, I have taken much interest in sociology and understanding who I am, who you are, and why we are who we are. I am truly fascinated with studies on introversion and extroversion (Meyers-Briggs), numerology (no, I do not read horoscopes, I just find that my personality often fits with when I was born), the personality of people with certain names, etc. Some people do not agree or believe in any of these things, but I absolutely agree that we are all very different people and that unless you take the time to understand someone, you can't blast them for who they are. Most importantly, you must come to understand (or at least try to understand) yourself.
Maybe numerology isn't the most trusted of my sources, but the Meyers-Briggs absolutely is. I have come to realize that I am introverted and that the categories of introversion I fall into, are what forms the way I feel and react to things in life. One of the particular and most important ways I feel about life, is one that I have contradicted for the last 4 years and am now paying severely for. I committed the cardinal sin of ignoring my heart, and my mind and body has been battling too long to keep up the fight. My defense mechanisms are wearing down. I've allowed myself to become my own personal punching bag.
I have beat myself up the most out of anyone in this life. Whether it be allowing myself to suffer when I knew better or by allowing others to get to me for not understanding me or sometimes even because they are just assholes, but either way. I am beginning more and more to understand who I am and that I need to listen to me when something doesn't agree with who I am and that I am NOT to be ashamed for someone treating me badly because they don't understand me. No one is allowed to make me feel small without my consent.
I feel like one of my elders saying, "I told you so," about realizing too late that we don't know everything in this life and that you really won't begin to understand until your youth is almost wasted. And anyone older than me, please do not take offense, I'm sure many of you would kill to be 28 again, but I too am struggling with getting older and am sad that it took me to almost the age of 30 to figure this
out. All I want to do is try to salvage my last 2 years as a 20 something and say that I didn't completely waste what is supposed to be the prime of my life. So here is what I have learned.
1. First and foremost, I am not the kind of person that will survive and "just suck it up," when it comes to matters of the heart. Some people can go to shitty jobs and hate it and go home and forget all about it. That's not me. I care immensely that I am happy in all aspects of my life, especially in an obligatory, 40+ hour a week job. If you make me and I don't want to, I will despise you. I need something to look forward to, not to dread. Some will say, "you should be happy to have a job." Yes, I am grateful to have a job, but that does not mean that it does not eat away at my soul that it is not my dream job. I am not ashamed now to admit that I made a mistake, I went the wrong direction, this isn't for me.
2. Which brings me to #2. I need something to look forward to. I can't stay stagnant. Those who know me, know that I love to entertain. I feel it's one of the few things in my life that I can create and control that will give not only myself joy, but others. I finish one party and I'm on to planning my next.
3. I also hate parties. When I am unable to control the environment and who is in it, it's uncomfortable. This is an introvert thing. We are most comfortable alone or in small groups of our choosing. If you invite me to a party with 100 people I don't know, I will find an excuse not to be there. This is both an explanation and a confession. If I have said I would be there and canceled on you and you thought my excuse wasn't legit, you could be right. Not always, but yes, I am guilty of canceling on certain things sometimes. This does not mean that I don't care about you, but you'd have to understand how socially uncomfortable it can be for someone who is not extroverted. I tend to be quiet, awkward or need a couple beers to loosen me up. I am working on this because I do not want to be a one-sided friend, but nevertheless, this is my realization.
4. I am lazy. I could sleep all day and be lazy all day. Oh, and be up all night. True story. I actually always have a lot of grand plans in my head of fabulous things to do on my weekend and then the weekend comes and we sleep. I don't know that there is a solution for this, but I realize it.
5. I need proper motivation because I am lazy. Some of my mistakes and problems have been staring me in the face for a lonnnggg time, but I haven't found the motivator to get me going, until now. I can tell myself til I'm blue in the face that I NEED to do something or make a change, but if the wrong thing is easier or more fun than working hard to get something in my mind, the wrong thing will win.
6. I am INCREDIBLY observant. I am a walking listener, seer and memory bank. I overhear, but act like I don't. I see and pretend I didn't. I will remember the most minute things that you don't even remember saying or doing. I have a photographic memory. I can remember moments clearly and can remember things that were said at that time. This can be both a blessing and a curse. I will remember names, people will forget mine. I will remember what your favorites are and your birthday gift will be amazing. I can remember something awful that was said to me, for years. A blessing. A curse.
7. I am INCREDIBLY sensitive to other people's feelings, even when they do not offer me the same respect. I am very good at putting myself in someone else's shoes and knowing that if I say this or that or do this or that to a person, they will most likely feel like this. I do not harm, even those who have harmed me because I have a conscience, and I will feel bad for doing to others what they have so easily done to me.
8. I will always stick up for the underdog. I will root for the Cinderella story over the given win or brute force team. Every. Time.
9. I stick up for and have a tender heart for those who are less fortunate than me. I give to charities in small and bigger ways all year long. This is one of the few times you will see or hear me say it, but this is why I am a Democrat. I don't believe we should hand everything over, but I do believe that we will get nowhere in this world by keeping everything to ourselves. Telling ourselves that any one of us is better than another and leaving people who are in a hard spot (self-created or unavoidable) to suffer alone is selfish and all that is wrong in this world. An utter disregard for our fellow humans. I am a humanitarian. Greed should not become us. Don't judge people. You don't know what battle they are fighting.
10. You is kind. You is smart. You is important. Repeat.
11. Relationships are everything. I truly value who I have in my life and also realize that you need to only keep people around you who truly value you. If you feel like a second-class citizen to friends or family, let them go. This has been a huge battle for me for pretty much ever because some of what should be the biggest relationships in my life, have been the most empty. I don't deserve that. Find other people who are willing to fill those holes and remember, sometimes blood is not thicker than water.
12. Make time for the things in life that you love and enjoy and make you most happy. You may not have the time and money for all of these things all of the time, but improvise. Stop making excuses for the things you love to suffer while you create time for the things you are forced to do that make you miserable.
13. Learn to say no. You can't be everything and everywhere for everyone all of the time. This has been hard for me mostly because saying no has meant missing out a lot. When you don't have weekends off and you sleep when everyone is awake, you have to say no a lot, and mostly for your own health. It kills me to say no because I have to go to work and be somewhere I least like to be when my friends and family are off doing fun things together. I could just say I won't sleep and get off work at 6 am and go to brunch at 11 am and hope I can fall asleep after. But lack of sleep (remember #4, I am lazy and I like to sleep) is not healthy and does not make me any happier than when I miss things. It sucks all around, but sometimes you have to say no. Not everyone will understand, but I have found that the ones who do understand will be the first ones to show up when I re-create these moments at times that will work for us all.
14. I love to teach and encourage. This is my purpose in life. To understand that we are all different and to take the time to teach someone in the way that they need to be taught and to applaud them for these accomplishments. There is nothing worse than a teacher that does not understand this. Who treats students like they are all the same and that one who does not understand, should be embarrassed or labeled as "dumb" compared to another, simply because you're a shitty teacher. We all have the capability to learn, we all just do so in different ways. I gain the most joy when I am asked to train and my trainees tell me how much they appreciated me and that I did a good job.
15. I am worthy. Despite all of my shortcomings, mistakes and doubts (real, imagined, perceived and pointed out by others), I am worthy. I did the best with what I had at the time and even if I am paying for some of them in the long run, tomorrow is always another chance to turn it all around. To make new mistakes, but to hopefully make better ones.
So this is me saying, "pull the lever Kronk," and letting the floor drop out beneath me. This level has been beaten to death and it's time to start over on the next one with a new set of lives or more appropriately, life. I intend to breathe the life back into my life and overcome what has been beaten out of me. I will simplify, cut out and eliminate my demons and strengthen the important things that have previously been left behind in the aftermath.
I was recently called a stress bucket. Yes. Yes, I am. A 5 foot 6 blonde and blue-eyed bucket o' stress with a constant drip from above, constantly keeping me overflowing and spilling out onto the floor. And I've tried like the sorcerer's apprentice to clean up the mess before anyone finds out, but to no avail. I need someone's magic to help me out. It is ok to ask for help, to become my own friend again. I don't need to be Wonder Woman, just the wonderful woman that I am.
Tomorrow is finally the official start of my new journey. I am meeting with a holistic health coach, and friend, to help me get my life on track and bring peace to it because I now know, I can't do it alone. That I can't do it alone, is one of the biggest realizations that not only I, but we ALL need to come to in this world. We are not alone in this world so why do we isolate ourselves and insist on carrying the weight of the world alone? Stress is my addiction and I have been unable to beat it alone. This is a weight too great for me to carry.
Next chapter. Turn the page.
