In This Moment

http://youtu.be/oSXxhGtaFfc

Snapshot. This is a moment in my life captured and shared. Let me describe it to you: late night. Dark night. Full moon. Outside. My weekend. Fall. No one in my world is awake.

In this moment, my thoughts are free because no one is awake to interrupt them. I can think and feel what I want. I can say, listen to, watch and FEEL anything that my heart desires...in this moment.

I love company, but hate it at the same time. I love moments like this where I don't have company to explain to or answer to a damn thing. Where I have the upper-hand because the night is my territory. I am a creature of the night. Try to stay up with me. I dare you. Live life in the dark like me. I know it sounds terrifying, but the peace you get from the noise that life makes, is so incredibly worth it. So what if it's ridiculously early in the morning?!? This is when I'm most alive. When most of my world is sleeping.

I'm sitting on my porch enjoying a moment in Colorado that few can say they can. I'm awake, you're not. I have peace, and quiet. In this moment, I, am peaceful. I can smell the air. I can hear the quiet. I don't have people walking onto my "set." Peace and me cannot seem to coexist except for the late night moments like this where I can create it. I'm listening to "zone out" music and really taking the time to enjoy it. I don't care what time it is. My heart doesn't care what time it is. My heart rules me, which is why life's rules, screw me. My brain says, "you should sleep." My heart says, "enjoy this moment. This moment makes me happy." <---- so says my heart. My heart is the ruler of me so if you have anything important to say, talk to it. So. If I cheat you sleep, you know why...my heart told me to.

Moments such as these are true gems in a sea of rocks. In the day, I have to live by someone else's rules, but at night, I'm untouchable, in a way. And "in a way" can be more than enough. Even now, I see my neighbor's lights turning on. I hate those lights...they stand for the light that is coming. The routine of rules. The rush hour and work and "life" that is coming. Who told them to get up? Hardly anyone just gets up before the sun because they want to. Some people should if only to watch the sunrise or enjoy this moment of quiet in the dark like me. But these neighbors? I know where they are going. To follow the rules. Boo. No thanks. I prefer my little Lindsay bubble, filled with music, stars, morning chill and the still. Stillness of people sleeping and postponing their rules, which is, a moment of peace.

So in this moment, I'm going to keep sitting on my porch in the chill, fresh air and defy this day as long as I possibly can. My own personal escape. MY moment.

Please hold while I take a moment to reflect

As I find myself rapidly approaching my 3 year anniversary with the Lakewood Police Department and having spent the last 2 days in a training class, I feel it appropriate to take a minute to reflect on how far I have come in the public safety communications world.

On August 24, 2009, I started my first day on one of the most difficult, rewarding, educational, stressful, testing, maddening and misunderstood journeys of my life. That was my first day as a 911 Police Dispatcher. Little did I know at the time, what an impact simply having this job would make on not only myself, but on the relationships I have with friends, family and the public I serve. 

I did not come from a law enforcement background with family members working in the field, nor did I ever think I would end up in a law enforcement career. When I saw the job announcement, I seemed qualified, it sounded cool, so I thought I would give it a shot. By some miracle I made it through the intense hiring process and have somehow managed to survive ever since. Me and one other person beat out almost 600 other applicants and spent 2 months being background checked with a fine tooth comb before finally getting the job. There is a very small percentage of the population who has the personality to be a dispatcher and many of us who try, don't make it through training. I would be lying if I didn't say that there were times that I thought I'd be one of them.

My first 8-9 months with the PD were spent in training (yes, it really takes that long to be done with training and completely dispatching on your own). Training was one of the most difficult, uncomfortable and almost "breaking point" times in my entire life. Having to make split second decisions filled with gray areas, with sometimes life or death consequences, while keeping officers safe and remaining calm, all while a trainer listens to and watches your every move, can wear on you. On more than one occasion in the last 3 years, I told myself, "I can't do this. I am not cut out for this job. I don't fit in." But somehow, here I still am. 

We all see 911 calls on the news, sadly more often in a bad light, but no one can ever understand the weight a dispatcher bears, knowing that at any moment, THAT call could be your next call. So, better make sure you handle it right 'cause you don't want to be the dispatcher on the news who fucked up. One small slip up can change someone's life forever. In a good or bad way, the outcome is at least partially up to us. 

3 years in and I am still learning, enhancing my skills and becoming a better dispatcher. I still have days where I wonder if I'm where I'm supposed to be, but then I have to remind myself: in 3 years, I have had almost nothing but praise. In 3 years, I AM STILL HERE. My supervisors, coworkers and officers trust me to let me put my headset on and take those calls and send those officers. They are trusting me to someday train someone to be like me. Wow. So here's me and my reflection...

          Despite the hard times and the moments where I didn't think I could make it, didn't think I could take one more tragic call, cussing caller or rude officer. For the moments when I didn't have confidence in myself, knew someone else didn't have confidence in me and felt like I just wasn't ever gonna get it, I have surprised myself and I have done it, and done it well. I have spent a lot of time doubting my abilities despite the fact that so many others have believed in me and think much more of my dispatching abilities than I give myself credit for.

More and more though, I am coming to realize that I can do this, I DO do this and I deserve to be a dispatcher, and the city of Lakewood deserves to have me. While spending the last couple of days in training, a major theme that kept coming up is, "are you the kind of dispatcher you would want handling your family's emergency?" and "are you the kind of person who can handle that high priority call when it comes up?" The answer is yes.

I'm not looking for pats on the back because this moment, this blog, is about patting myself on the back. I heard a very true statement that speaks directly to me today, "others have had more faith in me than I have had in myself." I have spent a long time thinking maybe I'm not where I'm supposed to be, but there are so many people who disagree, and want me answering those calls right beside them.

I say again that NO ONE can understand what a dispatcher does until they ARE one or at least observe one in action. This life is not for everyone. And as many times as I have minimized my abilities or what I do, there is no denying that what I do is special and that it takes a special person to do it. I am proud to say that I am one of them. I can only hope that I can only become better and come to appreciate me and my career even more. I still don't know what the future holds for me as far as being a 911 dispatcher forever, but no matter what happens, this experience will have forever changed me and given me a chance to grow in ways that not many others can.  What I have learned about the world and myself from this job is not one where you can learn most anywhere else. Wherever I go from here, I will be better because of where I am now and what I have gone through to get here.

I make even the smallest impact on people everyday when I am at work and this is no small thing. To appreciate yourself and your role in this world is something we should never neglect. We all need a pat on the back sometimes, especially from ourselves. We are after all sometimes our harshest critic and sometimes we deserve those gold stars and thumbs up. 

I'll leave you with this poem and some funny dispatch humor!!

Just A Voice

Dispatcher Poem

You don't know who I am; to you I am just a voice.
It was me who took your frantic call, when you had no other choice.

I spend many hours waiting, to help when you're in need.
"Send help to me, please get them here is often what you plead.

To do my job is complex, but only a few tools are a must
Put your faith in me, I am the one that you can trust.

My ears are a necessity; my mouth a mighty sword
I must use my ears to listen, and then choreograph every word.

I am the protector of this land; I take pride in what I do
I am here to listen and do what is best for you.

The day you place a call to me, might be the worst day you ever had
At least today you know, I too was feeling sad.

I take your problems home with me, I know that's not so good,
But as you felt your tragedy it was by your side I stood.

 I walked with you to the door, to let them in to help,
I guided you to safety, when all alone you felt.

It is not often we hear praise or even simple thanks,
But the cookies and cards are plenty through police and fire ranks.

The day you placed your call, and I picked up the phone
I hope I made you feel safe and showed you you're not alone.

Remember who I am, I am not just a voice
I am the 911 Dispatcher you called when you had no other choice.


Author: Tracy Eldridge
Rochester, MA Communications Center

Night Owl Problems

Hoot hoot. That's me. Awake, working, functioning and living my life in the dark of night. Sounds like fun right? It can be, but I'm guessing that's a negatory for most anyone else. I'm guessing anyone who takes the time to read this is not a night owl and can't recall the last time they pulled an all-nighter, much less an all-nighter spent working. The truth is that work sucks in general, but most people spend their time at work during what is considered normal daytime hours. If you know me at all, you know that my "normal" work hours are from 8 pm to 6 am. In the winter, I go to work in the dark and leave in  the dark. I sleep until 2-3 pm in the afternoon and work almost all weekends and holidays. So what does that mean to you day and normal shift working people? Nothing. What does it mean to me? A lot. People who have never worked shift-work, nights, holidays or weekends don't know and couldn't possibly know what living your life on the dark side is like, which is why it can make living with daylight people so difficult for us.  Some people don't respect our lifestyle at all, which makes it harder for us to try and fit entirely into theirs. "Normal" shift-working people are very fortunate to work on days and at times when pretty much everyone else does. To have a set schedule, weekends and holidays guaranteed to you. What is my point? It's not to ask you to work my schedule or pity me because this is something that I chose, it's simply to enlighten and to share a little of what my life looks like on what I like to call "night owl, vampire or bat status."

I already mentioned that I work 8 pm to 6 am, pretty much when all of you day people are going to sleep and waking up. I work 4-10's or four days a week for 10 hours. My days off vary, but in the 3 years I have been at my job, they have always been weekdays. I work holidays and usually almost all of them. Sounds like something you would want to do? Yeah, no. I realize that I chose to work the job that I do, but I didn't choose for people to not take the time or care to try and understand it. Despite the fact that I am a night owl and I don't necessarily mind working nights, I do mind missing out on some of the things that come with the day.

Working graves as I do, I sleep until afternoon most days. I must use blackout curtains to make my room dark and sometimes earplugs to block out the activity of the rest of the world who is not sleeping along with me. You all have it made when it comes to noise complaints. Noise that is not unreasonable is technically allowed between 7 am and 10 pm. So any hour I am sleeping, noise can pretty much be made. Have you ever had to see how maddening it is to have someone jack-hammering outside of your window in what is the middle of your night and you can't do ANYTHING about it!! Because it's allowed, it's daytime, no one cares that you're sleeping, get with the program and get a regular job!!

Asking night people to do things in the middle of your day is like me asking you to come hang out at 1 am. The middle of the day for me is in the middle of the night. So "can't you make it to brunch at 11 am?" is a ridiculous request. I can't tell you how many days I have been up for over 24 hours and gotten no sleep or had to shove coffee, Red Bull or whatever else I can find down my throat to make shit happen. And don't get me wrong, I don't expect to have everything moved for me because I am just one friend or family member out of many, but there is room for accommodation some of the time. Do something early so I can go home and go to bed afterwards. Do something later so I don't have to get up in the middle of my night and only get 4 hours of sleep. Night people miss things because we need sleep too. I do what I can to make it to what I can, but if the people in your life don't understand your schedule and insist on planning things they know you can't make, the "sorry you can't make it because you're working," line, gets old. Sometimes it's a choice other people have made and this is stressful for us because we WANT to be there.

And if missing out on friend and family functions weren't bad enough, I hardly see my husband during our work week. We work the same days currently, but completely opposite hours. I work 10 hour days at night, he works 12 hour days in the day. He is at work while I sleep and am up before work, he is home while I am at work, and he is asleep when I get off work in the morning. We don't physically see each other awake for 4 and a half days a week. Our conversations are reduced to phone calls, texts and notes. How does that sound? I know of no one else, that goes through that.

The malls, banks and businesses are all open to accommodate day people so it's tough to get to those things without missing out on a little sleep. I have missed out on getting so many things done because I wake up when things close or certain places are closed on Saturday and Sunday, which are practically the middle of my week. I propose there be a community of businesses like this to be built to be open for night people. Seriously.

No one can ever hang. You're the only one who can stay up all night anymore so you're up and ready to go when everyone else is winding down. Drunken dance party for one! Again! Woo hoo. Yeah.

Not to mention that the overall lack of sleep, and disruption of normal sleep hours can have more permanent effects on us. We are said to die a couple years sooner and to be more likely (women anyway) to get breast cancer. Lovely huh?

So overall it can be a shitty situation.

So I don't mean to bitch here regardless of any bitching that was done, but I wanted to shed light on a topic I feel most people know nothing about...what it's like for people like me to live this kind of life. So when I get a little brat-tastic when people disregard how I might feel about having to miss out on so many things, take a minute and think. I know me nor anyone I know who works this way EXPECTS people to change everything all of the time for us, but every once in awhile couldn't hurt. We are friends and family members too and we don't like to miss out or be left out anymore than anyone would. So next time you find yourself in the company of a night person, don't assume that we EXPECT you to understand because we don't. But it would be nice for people to at least try, and if we really mean that much to you, take time every now and then and try to do things our way. We do it for you...

http://www.ehow.com/list_7611856_negative-effects-night-shift-work.html


http://dailyuw.com/news/2008/jan/16/what-you-need-to-know-about-working-the-graveyard/

http://www.ueunion.org/stwd_fatigueshift.html

Listen IF you can

I have learned much about the truth behind this statement quite recently. So much that I have begun to keep my mouth shut, in certain situations anyway. I have always been one to share my feelings through words. I love words and the meanings, emotions and thoughts they can inspire. I know the power a word or phrase can have and how communication is such an essential part of our world. Sometimes though, no matter your intention and no matter how important words can be, there are some people who will just never understand them or you for that matter.

I am not one to ever say that I can be "silenced." I believe we should be free to say what we feel and shouldn't ever hold who we are back. This is of course to say that what you are saying is not intentionally hurtful because using words as weapons is never OK, but sometimes among certain company, your words can hurt yourself.

Sometimes I feel like we are all kind of like a puzzle. A complex riddle that very few others can ever completely figure out. Some people get pretty close, but the tangled web of unique and chaotic human being we each are can never truly be unraveled. When we find ourselves in moments and in situations with people who know very little about us or don't care to understand, the words we say are open to all kinds of misinterpretation. They can't  figure out our puzzle. Some people just don't get our sense of humor, understand the words we use or simply just don't like us so they take everything we say and twist it to meet their own agenda or to find more fault in us. Sometimes we're kind of damned either way, to either not speak at all or to speak and be misunderstood.

So I am constantly learning, always getting better and learning from my mistakes. Sometimes it's not even my mistake, simply that I entrusted much more to someone than they deserved and I am revoking their previous privileges. So my lesson has been that I need to have a better filter. To know when to say something and when to say nothing. To know what to say and what to keep to myself. To know who will appreciate my words and who could give a shit less. For someone like me who loves words and loves using them, there is nothing more crushing than to have someone misunderstand or take your words and use them for something other than what you intended them for. Or to say something whole-heartedly for the betterment of something or someone and have it ignored. To know that someone "can hear you, but they can't understand." Picture this: it's like if your words actually visibly came out of your mouth when you spoke, you could watch them soar across the room and bounce right off someone's face. They can hear, but cannot absorb. 'Tis incredibly frustrating.

So if anyone happens to notice my quiet or lack of posts, never fear for I am still here ;) I am just being a little more selective about what I say and to whom I say it. I feel like I am always saying things like this, but I guess that is because my words mean a great deal to me and I take it kind of personally whenever they are not used the way they were intended. My words are precious to me and I don't like to waste them on deaf, disinterested or disrespectful ears. Listen.  Hear me, if you can.

I had a moment

Amidst a moment of immense sadness the last week or so, I had a moment of complete clarity. I had one of those "zone out" moments that you see on television or in a movie. You see something that stops you in your tracks and everything, suddenly, makes sense. You don't see or hear anything around you and all of a sudden, you know what it is you have to do.

No, I was not high and no, I was not drunk. I had a genuine "moment," and now it's hard to think of anything else. My moment was amongst a grieving family. My husband's family and now, MY family. A family with an amazing history, with a "name," and with roots.  A family that knows the meaning of the word and what it means to be connected.

I am someone who loves a history, a story. I think the past and people from it are so incredibly interesting. My time, our time, is boring. To look back on people who lived through things we could never imagine, who lived things we find vintage, collectible or rare is so incredibly fascinating. I love tradition. I love a home, a piece of furniture or a photo album that touched the past. I love holidays and the random moments that make up the memories that a family holds onto for a lifetime. Something that shows a moment in time when someone lived who is no longer here, an era that is now gone. I know, deep.

I come from a small family. Well, my mother's side is. My father's side is fairly large, but I rarely see them...long story. It is what it is. My family is loving absolutely, but sometimes my family is "all business." There is a lot of love between us, but sometimes it remains hidden like it's not "OK" to share. My family is weird like that and I can't explain it. I'm not upset, that's just how it is.

My in-laws, all of them, are completely the opposite.  I am absolutely like that. I believe that we should show and tell each other how we feel about each other always. Before it's too late. With my in-laws, family is such a huge deal, good or bad, for better or worse. Everybody hugs and everybody loves and spends hours just visiting and toasting and being together. I want that, forever and always for me and Travis. I want our children to have a history, to have a story and pieces of their family's past to hold onto. I am exactly in the right place :)

So what of my moment? While standing amongst my mother-in-law's family and enjoying the company and neighborhood, I had a vision of us, having a house in a neighborhood just like that. On a quiet cul-de-sac in a nice area, with a view and a sunset, among family from several generations...just seeing my own future played out exactly like that. To have our lineage hanging on the wall, a street named after us and children and grand-children running all over the place in the grass in the sunshine. It all just made sense. This is what life is about. That's all I want. A loving family, spending time together, in a nice home that we pass down through generations, with traditions and love.

It was all so incredibly simple and all incredibly beautiful. A theme that I took from the day, even in a time of such loss, is don't lose sight of the family legacy you have. Stay close to family and don't let it fall apart because that's so easy in this day and age. I want my children to look back and be fascinated with what our family history holds. I do what I can to share this with my family because I don't want us to miss out.  I felt like I missed out on so much of this when my grand-father passed away and all I wanted was to know more of the amazing life he lead...where he came from and what his youth was like. Where I come from.

My goal at this moment, even if it doesn't happen right this moment, is to recreate the family treasures that I so cherish. All I want or wish is to have a career I love, a home I love, I already have the man I love, and hopefully we can find ourselves nestled in a house with a history and a view where we can create our own cherished memories and our own family traditions. What a moment.

The Truth Hurts

Passive. An ugly, ugly word that I would generally never use to describe myself. Unfortunately however, I recently came to the realization that in at least some ways, I am very much a passive person. :( Sad day for me and feeling fairly disappointed in myself. Kind of makes me sick actually and not quite sure what to do about it just yet.

It was my recent research into stress relief techniques that lead me to this revelation and it was a hard slap in the face and wake up call to some things about myself. I came upon a couple of articles that explained the difference between passiveness, aggressiveness and assertiveness and how they are related to stress levels. Passive is not enough=pushover, aggressive is too much=bully and assertive is just right=happy face. Kind of like Goldilocks and the three bears, my porridge is always too cold...

I am not one for confrontation. At all. I look for harmony in all things and hate being put into uncomfortable or tense situations, especially unnecessarily. It pisses me off royally when someone acts shitty and forces me to have to call them shitty or eat shit...so to speak. When I come to conflict with someone, I have a tendency to back off and hope they figure it out and correct themselves before our next meeting. Only now have I realized how stupid of me that is. I hate confrontation so much that rather than calling someone out, I let people continue to piss me off whether they realize it or not.

When I do this, I am literally like a ticking time bomb. I just sit back and tick while someone keeps pissing me off, until my fuse eventually runs out and then...BOOM. <---loud bang, flames, pain. You're sorry. And I have been going about this all the wrong way. Not saying that this is not necessarily wrong of someone to have been shitty to me, but I was unfair to not stop them before I exploded and more importantly, I burned myself along the way. It stresses me incredibly to have people treat me badly and I spend so much time avoiding, manuevering, and being angry at them rather than just nipping it in the bud. Therefore, I cause myself stress.

Here are some excerpts from the links below that I found particularly interesting:

Passive people aim to avoid conflict by avoiding communication about their needs and feelings, but this behavior damages relationships in the long run. They may feel like victims, but continue to avoid confrontation, becoming increasingly angry until, when they finally do say something, it comes out aggressively. The other party doesn’t even know there’s a problem until the formerly passive individual virtually explodes! This leads to hard feelings, weaker relationships, and more passivity.

Passive individuals don’t know how to adequately communicate their feelings and needs to others. They tend to fear conflict so much that they let their needs go unmet and keep their feelings secret in order to ‘keep the peace’. They let others win while they lose out; the problem with this is that everybody involved loses, at least to an extent.

If your style is passive, you may seem to be shy or overly easygoing. Why is that a problem? Because the message you're sending is that your thoughts and feelings aren't as important as those of other people. In essence, when you're too passive, you give others the license to disregard your wants and needs.

Now all of this is not to say that I need to be an asshole from now on because there are also downsides to being too aggressive, but I do need to step it up a notch. The whole part about people thinking that my thoughts and feelings aren't important...so true. I get talked over ALL THE DAMN TIME. When I am speaking, people flat out start talking about something completely off topic while I am in the middle of speaking. RUDE. But I guess that goes to show that since I am not aggressive enough to do that to them or to even tell them they're being an ass, this makes it OK. I always used to think my forehead said bitch, but apparently it says doormat. I've lost my touch.

I also know for certain that I specifically avoid people who are overly aggressive. I do not respect people who treat me like a doormat and I usually want to punch them in the face for either having treated me or someone else like shit.

Here are some facts about aggressive people:

If your style is aggressive, you may come across as a bully who disregards the needs, feelings and opinions of others. You may appear self-righteous or superior. Very aggressive people humiliate and intimidate others, and may even be physically threatening. You may think that being aggressive gets you what you want. However, it comes at a cost. Aggression undercuts trust and mutual respect. Others may come to resent you, leading them to avoid or oppose you.

I don't know about you all, but I don't like treating people this way and I really do resent people who put me in a position to feel this way. Like, FUCK YOU for making me feel like shit around you, making me feel small and forcing me to avoid you because you have no respect and awareness for the way you treat others. Yeah, aggressive people, you do that.

I don't want to stress over other people anymore, especially with my own help. We as people are like puzzles with half the pieces missing. It's hard to figure each other out (or even ourselves for that matter) when we don't quite understand what's going on and don't have all the right pieces. Learning this information was like WHOA for me. Like...whoa. The truth hurts.

I'll leave you with what effective, assertive communication should look like:

Because assertiveness is based on mutual respect, it's an effective and diplomatic communication style. Being assertive shows that you respect yourself, because you're willing to stand up for your interests and express your thoughts and feelings. It also demonstrates that you're aware of the rights of others and are willing to work on resolving conflicts.

Assertiveness affects many areas of life. Assertive people tend to have fewer conflicts in their dealings with others, which translates into much less stress in their lives. They get their needs met (which also means less stressing over unmet needs), and help others get their needs met, too. Having stronger, more supportive relationships virtually guarantees that, in a bind, they have people they can count on, which also helps with stress management, and even leads to a healthier body.


http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/p/profileassertiv.htm

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/assertive/SR00042/?amp&amp&amp;pubDate=June+17,+2011

Fakebook

                      

Fakebook. What Facebook should really be called.

"Facebook helps you connect and share with the people in your life." Sometimes it does. And sometimes it can also connect people who don't know each other or are in each other's lives at all. People who are complete strangers, acquaintances, creepers and sometimes, people we don't even like.

Facebook and I have a love/hate relationship. I think FB has the potential, and often is, one of the best social inventions ever. It really is the easiest way to communicate and connect with most people these days and it makes it possible to reach out to people you may not have been able to otherwise. It's a fast and easy way to share with people what you want to share, while seeing other people's shares at the same time. On the other hand,  I sometimes believe it is also the root of all evil. It can allow people to open a whole Pandora's box full of drama and allows people to connect and share in ways that they really shouldn't. It can be a medium in which to spread gossip, create drama and it allows us to be lazy. It lets people who have no business being in our business, in our business. <----And that's just bad for business.

I really do love sharing with my friends on FB, but not all people on my FB are my friends. Hear me out. I have a lot of FB  ACQUAINTANCES, and very few actual FRIENDS.

Friend- somebody emotionally close: somebody who trusts and is fond of another

Acquaintance: somebody who thinks well of or is on good terms with somebody else

Huge difference.

Among friends I am a fairly open book. I share my thoughts, feelings, opinions and emotions to friends because I trust them and because I know they care. In public and among acquaintances, I keep a lot to myself, because they probably don't care and I don't feel the need to make my business, their business. Until recently, I had yet to find a way to differentiate sharing between the two on FB. I deleted some people, blocked posts from others, and tried to restrict what I said. As you can imagine there is no way to avoid pissing someone off with any of these options. You delete someone, regardless of the reason or how much you DON'T even speak and they're butt-hurt. You block posts and they question why you're such a bitch as to hide stuff from them. I avoid being myself and saying what I want to say and I'm pissed. Lose-lose situation. But then I got smart. I created a second page. One where I sought out the people I wanted on it and I am not accepting all of the other random requests. Now I can share what I want, with whom I want and not have to worry about a thing. Besides, those people are already friends with me on one page, they shouldn't get greedy.

Facebook in my opinion is almost like a mass text. I IDEALLY use it to share my "status" with people who I know will care and who will not make drama out of it. I feel that I should be able to be myself, say the things that I naturally say, cuss, be happy, be angry, be sad, whenever I damn well please. Real friends wouldn't question, look down or judge me for what I say. They also wouldn't snoop and use my words in negative ways or say nasty things on posts that have nothing to do with them. Some people talk shit about people sharing their personal lives on FB. Yeah, it is stupid, when you do so with people who aren't your real friends. I feel that the people on my FB should be people who care about my personal shit and aren't using it for drama and that I should not even have to think about whether someone will say or do something malicious. The FB problem is that we allow too many people on our pages who have the wrong intentions.

People accept friend requests from just about anyone these days. People you sat next to in college for a couple weeks. People you went to high school with 10 years ago and will NEVER see or speak to again, not even on FB. People you met randomly through someone else. People you work with, but aren't really friends with. We accept people for all of the wrong reasons. I am not a notch in the FB friend belt people. I only want to have people on my FB who I actually engage with in life. People I speak to and see regularly, real friends and family and people who I care about and who care about me. Facebook should be comprised of REAL. I am a quality over quantity girl. I don't care to be the 600th friend whom people scroll over to get to a better post or to get pissy over the things I say and WHO I AM.  If you aren't gonna talk to me and you don't care about what I say, but then secretly read my shit and stock it for ammunition to talk shit about or judge then please locate your nearest UNFRIEND button and GTFO. Nobody HAS to be FB friends. If you wouldn't notice my absence then don't ask in the first place.

If you don't KNOW me, don't request access to a medium that I share who I am on and then judge me.

I don't think that I should feel bad for saying what I want just because people who it's not intended for can read it. I really only need about 20 of my FB peeps to see what I say, my posts are only really meant for them anyway because they are the only ones who really care about the typical day to day of my life. All of the those other people don't notice a damn thing until they think it applies to them or touches on one of their interests. I find out who all of the creepers are who I never thought paid any attention to me when I post something that has anything that THEY THINK has to do with them. They don't actually comment or like things of course, but will then bring it up later.

And please don't get me wrong, I like all of the people on my FB, that's why I ever accepted their "friend request" at all, but I really don't need all of the 150 people on my FB to see what I am saying all the time. And to be honest, a lot of my acquaintances didn't really "know" me before they asked me to be their FB friend. They have probably since discovered that I am a pretty intense individual and maybe don't even like the things that I have to say. I also have professional connections now on FB and it's already bitten me in the ass. This is my PRIVATE page. If you can't understand the distinction then don't be my friend on there. Don't use my private words against me in the professional world. I know, there is something to be said about who a person is in private, but I am not a bad person. Like anyone, there are things you can say and do in private that you cannot say and do everywhere else. Doesn't mean I am a bad person in private, it means that I know the difference between when certain words are appropriate or not and when it's OK to use them. Doesn't mean that I am not a professional.

Bottomline. I don't need numbers, I need my real friends. I haven't lost sight of the fact that FB was created to connect people, GENUINELY. If you regularly interact with me and I with you.  You're safe. If you scroll past me and never comment, like, message or anything, then what's the point? Honestly. I appreciate your extension of warmth, but we could still be acquaintances outside of FB where we can share what we want with who we want.

I've said before that Facebook is like a billboard. A lot of people see it, but most people don't really care about or really get the message. They read and react to it how they want and you as the "poster" have no control over how the message is perceived. Perhaps then the answer is to choose your audience instead of letting your audience have free reign to make what they want of your words. Maybe, just maybe.

These are a few of my fave-or-ite peeps!

Favorite- person or thing liked most: somebody or something that is liked most of all or preferred to all others.

I do not use the word favorite lightly. There are very few people who have earned the role of favorite in my life and in a world where we often encounter people who are less than favorable, I think my favorites deserve to be shown some love!

This small and wonderful group of people make my life brighter, help keep a smile on my face, and help maintain my sanity in moments when I need it most. Without them, it would be much easier to succumb to the negative and sadder aspects of this world, but luckily, I have them!

Travis AKA my Sunshine- You are just that. You literally light up my life. You are my best friend and the love of my life. My puzzle piece. You are so much a part of my life that that there are hardly any aspects of life that don't involve you, and that's how I like. Actually, scratch that, love it! What better way to spend life than with the one you love the muchiest! ;) So glad that despite our youth and immaturity, we both knew there was something more and never let each other go! I could write a novel about the amazing person you are and what you mean to me, but just know that I love you to the moon and back and that I know that you love me the same. I love the humor, joy and "completeness" that you bring to my life and that just being together is happiness to me. We can sit in silence and never say a word, yet compliment each other so well at the same time. Loving you is so easy, yet you know all the right ways to challenge me...thank you for being so wonderfully you and perfect for me at the same time! Love you!

Louise- My incredible and incredibly loved grandmother! My grandmother just means so much to me...she is incredibly selfless and has done things for me in times when I hardly deserved it, but she did it all the same because she loved me and that's just what great grandmothers do! She has been kind of like my other "parent" all my life and I have lived with her the majority of my life. I owe her in so many ways because she has been that rock when I needed her and I will do all that I can to show her just how much she means to me! I don't think she ever gives herself the kind of credit that she deserves, but she is more deserving than most anyone I know! It is an incredible person to do so much for others at the expense of herself, but she never even bats an eyelash. She is a queen and deserves to be treated like one to the max! I love you grandma more than you'll ever know!

Sheileen- my mother-in-law and more importantly, my friend. It is truly a wonderful thing to know that while most women complain about their mother-in-law, I truly and absolutely LOVE mine! It is a rare thing to have a soul mate in a partner, but to then find another soul mate in a totally different way in the same family, is saying something...perhaps my hubby and soul mate learned best from his mother because I love them both beyond words! Sheileen, you have filled so many emotional holes and enhanced my life in so many ways that I can't even begin to explain. I tell you more than I tell most of my friends and I do so because I know that you care and also that I know that you never judge me because you love me just the same! I trust your opinion and love listening to your wisdom, and know that you will always be there for me! I appreciate so much the bond that we have and will always have no matter where mine and Travis' relationship ends up! You are a friend, mother and true soul mate for life!

Tommy- my cousin and best friend. You know you have always been more like a brother to me because we were all raised together and spent so much time together. I love your "genuineness." You are genuine to the core. I love how good you are at just being you, and that I can be so ME with you at the same time! Besides my hubby, you are the only person I can ever TRULY be myself around because I know that you accept me for me and just know that I will ALWAYS accept you for you! You are beautiful both inside and out and I pity anyone who never has the pleasure and privilege of knowing you. I wish that I had your ability to be so like and lovable! Your energy is magnetic, you are hard to resist and my only wish is that I could see you more often...may be something we need to seriously work on cause I love every moment I spend with yo face! I just love, love, love you! Zombies and darkness and music and stuff ;)

Danielle- my most wonderfully feisty friend! Thank you for leading me to the doorway of women empowerment! Empowerment not only for myself, but for my fellow women! Thank you for being that friend who "gets it," and knows that true friendships and great friendships come from lifting each other up and being there for each other unselfishly! You are so good at being the positive light, yet still know how to incorporate your feisty roots in at the same time. And I love that you can be positive with me yet let me keep my feisty too!! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and for introducing people to your fellow women "empowerers" so that we can all benefit from the positive vibe (you know who they are)! Also, thank you for just being such a fun friend! You are always down for whatever shenanigans we all think of and make no excuses! You light up the room and make us all laugh, but can also have a serious heart to heart and give the most valuable, sincere advice at the same time! Thank you for being such a fresh breath of "great friend" air! Love ya like a feisty girl loves cupcakes! Ha ha ha

Jenny- my lifetime friend. Though we haven't known each other our whole lives, we've been friends for some of the most important moments. High school, boy drama, growing up, college and now full-on adulthood! Thank you for the sincere and genuine friendship that you always give. You are so loved by so many and it is for a reason! You have an amazing way of just being there for people and genuinely caring about them. This is something that I have always admired about you! You also have the same goofiness as I do and I can't complain about how out of control that means we can get! And it's AWESOME!! Thank you for always being there and for making such an effort out of all of your busyness to come to my little soirees! Love ya!

Kaitlyn- my lover you friend. Miss Kaitlyn, you and I have known each other for a couple years now, and sometimes it's been a roller coaster ride. But deep down, no matter what, we are friends to the core! I love how laid-back you are and yet you know when to let your hair down and act like a crazy with the rest of us! Because you are so laid-back, you also are always up for all of my shenanigans and you make every effort to be there for each and every one! Thank you for being there for me in times when I needed to vent and to always listen without judging! You have seen me at some of my rare and worst moments and you still like me somehow, lol. I love our girls nights whether it be all the girls or just us and I also enjoyed our BBQ with miss Maddie (we will have to do one of those again)! Cheers to many more years of our craziness! Lover you!

Caitlin- my sister-in-law and friend. I love that you truly embrace and cherish the moments with the family like I do, and that you make such an effort to spend time with all of us! I can't even begin to imagine what having 2 kids is like, not to mention having 2 kids while working and having a hubby with crazy hours like mine, so I think you deserve a lot of credit for balancing all that you do and still making the time to fit us all in! You are a superwoman! You and I are so alike in that we came from much smaller families, so I think we truly understand the connection of the large family we married into! I believe that the word "family" does not always apply just to the people you are blood-related to and that some of the most important people in your life are those that come from different nuclear families, who you allow and accept into your heart as family. Sometimes you choose your "blood" and you all are blood to me! Love ya!

Granted there are so many more special people in my life, these just happen to be the ones that I talk to and spend the most time with! I love and appreciate all of the people in my life, that's why you are in my life, but just felt the need to take a moment to let a few who have gone the extra, extra mile, know just how much they mean to me!

Choices...

A recent local news story really stroked a chord in me, and mostly because of the reaction people had to it. First and foremost, I do not say this to argue, debate or "talk shit" to anyone who may disagree with me, but because I feel that people may not always know what happens in "real" life behind the news lens.

I happen to be someone who studied journalism in college and actually lives criminal justice in real life. I know how the news media can impact a situation whether it be positive or negative, and that this is what people see, sensationalized or not.

The news story I am speaking of is a DUI related case where the driver hit a tow truck driver who was already on scene with officers on an unrelated emergency accident. My high school peeps have mostly already seen this and know what I am talking about and anyone else can either ask or Google that ish. The suspect and previous high school classmate of mine was recently sentenced for hitting and killing someone as a result of a DUI. He was sentenced to 48 years. Some people argue this is too little of time, some that this is too much. Some that this is a choice and some that this was related to an illness.

Me? I don't think that we can place a value on life and what this case really comes down to is a choice and how a choice impacted a life. Does the manner in which a life is taken warrant time served? Perhaps, but I learned in college that I am not much of a negotiator, therefore most likely a horrible attorney/judge as I could not accurately place a value on such a thing as life or forgive someone for taking one so selfishly. All I ever knew was that I could never defend someone who I thought may be guilty...

I am a straight up HATER with a capital H-A-T-E-R of DUI's. There is NO excuse. If ya don't have a ride then you don't have a reason to drink and then drive. Get a DD, get a cab, call a friend. They may want to punch you in the face for calling them drunk at whatever in the AM, but do they want to see you kill yourself or someone else?!? NOT LIKELY.

I work in a field of overwhelming negativeness. Very rarely do I see a happy ending, but more upsetting than anything is that sadness, anger and tragedy is usually a CHOICE. People choose to do these things. To drink, to drink and drive, to assault, fight, hate, hurt, cause drama and any other horrible, sad and despicable situation you can ever wildly dream of. There is so much possible joy in this world and you choose to kill it?!? All I can ask is why? I know I will never receive the answer, but oh how I feel the need to ask!

So with this DUI case I hear a lot of people saying, " how sad for him" or when I call him selfish, I have people trying to tell me not to confuse selfishness with alcoholism. Trust me, I don't. Alcoholism is selfish. You choose to drink, and this sometimes leads to alcoholism, but the choice to drink in the first place is your's. I have known many an alcoholic, but especially in this case where this person had many DUI's before they eventually hit and killed someone...well, all I have to say is...NO EXCUSES. This person begged a judge to give them a second chance because they realized that they "act irresponsibly" when drunk. They were granted a second chance and then drove drunk, while their license was revoked unless with an interlock device. They chose to take their parent's vehicle, knowing they would not be responsible to an interlock and ultimately killed someone. Choices.

I have no pity, no sympathy and no sorrow for this person. I feel sorry for the person and their family who lost their life and that of a loved one for someone else's selfish choice. I hope the drinks you had that night were worth someone's light. You snubbed out someone's light...for booze. Justify that. Oh wait. You can't.

48 years...too much? Too little? I don't have an answer because I cannot place a time limit or value on that person's life. I don't know when their "time" was or if this incident makes this being their time fair. Just sorry to hear that someone else's poor choice had something to do with it.

Maybe I am a little "butt hurt" about it?!? Maybe, but this happens to be the one week of the year where people in my line of work can be recognized for what we do. This is National Public Safety Telecommunications week. A time to recognize 911 dispatchers for the hard work that we do and the "unsung heroes" that we are. I would love for anyone to have to take an emergency call and do so without showing emotion, even when your heart is breaking for someone. In this particular case, imagine being the officer who watched the tow truck driver who was helping you, get run over. Or imagine someone like me being on the other end of the radio, hearing that someone was just run over and is possibly dead and for what?!? Someone's typical Friday night out?!? Not excusable.  We take that shit home with us and it's hard. We have to be strong when someone else's world may be falling apart. We know what it is to appreciate life and to shun someone who violates it. Enough said.

I urge you to educate yourself, put yourself in someone else's shoes and to never take anything for granted, most importantly someone's life.

Don't mistake my kindness for weakness...

Seriously. I may look nice, and I am, but don’t assume that this makes me a doormat. Some people are loud, I’m not. Their speech is loud, their speech is frequent, they talk over people, and they say everything that comes to their mind. I am just not like that. This doesn’t mean that people who do this are all rude necessarily (some are), but that just isn’t me. When I am in the company of people who are “louder” than me, I tend to take on the listener approach rather then fight to be heard.

Anyone who knows me WELL, knows that I am a talker and I like to share my opinions and socialize, but I am not going to have a pissing match with people who want to “out-talk me.” I'm not shy, I'm not afraid of who I am, I just choose my battles and know when it's worth speaking up or not. People who talk over people usually don't care or have the respect for what you have to say anyway, so might as well let them have at it. *shrugs* SO if you think I am quiet, then you’re probably too loud, just sayin’. 

I am also not a fan of awkward and UNNECESSARY confrontations. I am very conscious of the way things are said and how they can be perceived. I am very sensitive to the impact words can have on people and I am a decent human being enough to care. There is a line between being yourself and expressing your beliefs respectfully and being the asshole who crosses it and speaks with no regard to the feelings it may hurt. People who do this not only have the ability to hurt other people, but they hurt themselves. It's self-damaging. It's not healthy to be an asshole in general, but you also isolate yourself by making no one want to be around you, so just don't do it OK? If it’ll cause awkward tension or it’s rude and it doesn’t need to be said, then don’t say it. Rules to live by: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? If not, then let it be left unsaid.

Whether I like your face or not, I don’t see the point in making things awkward, being mean or saying things to piss people off, especially if you’re someone I have to see all the time. I think being rude for the sake of being rude is stupid…there is a time and place for rude, but it does not need to be in every day conversation among FRIENDS AND FAMILY! And if you've been rude up to this point, and you know you have, and you think I am rolling over and letting you...don't make this mistake either. I try to let rude slide as long as I possibly can and then eventually I explode. You don't want that.  

With that being said, just because I don’t fight to talk over you or make things awkward for you, does not mean that I am weak and will bend to you. It means that I know how to handle myself like an adult and can leave petty shit aside. I like harmony and I don't take joy in making people feel bad or trying to look like a hard-ass bitch for no reason. There are so many different personalities in this world with so many different buttons to be pressed. It is IM-POSSIBLE to avoid everyone’s hot buttons and to agree with or like everyone in this world. It is OK not to make friends with every single person you come into contact with in this world, but it is NOT OK to not give people at least general respect.

So I think sometimes people mistake me for weak because I am not loud or argumentative. Well, you'd be way off the mark. I just save my "fight" for times to fight, no use wasting energy just so people can hear me. I don't need the spotlight and I know the difference between something that needs to be said compared to "I just don't know how to shut my mouth." <----that is called word vomit. I'm just not overly forth-coming and obnoxious with my noise. There is an orchestra of strong, powerful and awesome stuff in here, but I'm choosy about with whom and when it comes out. I don't personally think that everyone is deserving nor would they even want to know what realness I have in store.

Bottom line: Think before you speak. Don't say something that would be better left unsaid. Don't say things to be shitty and rude to the people you love. Treat people how you would want to be treated.

 

Enough is enough...orrrrr is it?!?

"Come on, think. I want you to reach back into those minds and tell me, tell us all, what it is you fantasize about. World peace? I thought so. Do you fantasize about international fame? Do you fantasize about winning a Pulitzer Prize? Or a Nobel Peace Prize? An MTV Music Award? Do you fantasize about meeting some genius hunk, ostensibly bad, but secretly simmering with noble passion and willing to sleep on the wet spot? You get Lucas' point. Fantasies have to be unrealistic because the moment, the second, that you get what you desire, you don't, you can't want it anymore. In order to continue to exist desire must have it's objects perpetually absent. Its not the it that you want, it's the fantasy of it. So desire supports crazy fantasies. This is what Pascal means when he says we are only truly happy when daydreaming about future happiness or why we say the hunt is sweeter than the kill. Or be careful what you wish for, not because you get it but because you're doomed not to want it once you do. So the lesson of Lucas is, living by wants will never make you happy. What it means to be fully human is to strive to live by ideals and ideals and not to measure your life by what you've attained in terms of your desires but those small moments of integrity, compassion, rationality, even self-sacrifice. Because in the end, the only way that we can measure the signifigance of our own lives is by valuing the lives of others." -The Life of David Gale

This girl is guilty as charged. I admit that I have a real problem with always wanting more despite all of the great things that I have. Trust me, I know how horribly selfish that sounds. I know that the goal is to be happy with what you have, and I am, but this has never stopped me from reaching for more.

My over-achieverness began in childhood. I am an only child, but I was not spoiled in the sense that most people think only children get spoiled. I had to work for everything, especially attention, so I went into everything I did with the intent to shine, hoping that I would get the approval I was looking for. And usually I did and still do go big and do well, but the catch was always that as soon as I did something great, I then felt like I had to go bigger, better and higher. Kind of like an addiction that builds over time. So began a vicious cycle...

I always feel like I'm just not quite where I wanna be just yet. That I still have more work to do and as soon as I get there, I just know I will be happy. Buttttt that's not usually what happens. I have an awesome life. I absolutely do. I have done amazing things and I continue to do them still. I have the most wonderful hubby and family, a great group of girl friends, I have a degree, a decent job that makes decent money, I own a home...but my problem is that as soon as I get something I have been wanting, I am soon on to the next big thing. I just keep "one-upping" myself.

In my own defense, I am learning to be more content with what I have and am coming to the realization that not all of my wants will turn into gots. I will never give up on my dreams, but there are some things in this world that I got into my head that I should shoot for, but that more than likely wouldn't make me any more satisfied if I got it. I need to build on what I have and realize that sometimes "less" is more. The sooner I figure this out, the sooner I can stop setting myself up for disappointment and can really start enjoying what I already have.

I also agree that life is so much more rich when it is lived with and for others. I will always strive to do more and be more, but I want that to include my role in the lives of the ones I love. As of late, I have already begun that journey by being more positive and holding onto positive people, reaching for my dreams while spending more time with people who make me happy and doing things that make me happy. Through this I am trying to spread the positive light that I have and make a difference in at least some small way. There are still some things that I need to fix, but I will worry less about them from now on while I am enjoying the good things.


I will leave you with lyrics to a song by Stacie Orrico that have always rung true for me.

(There's Gotta Be) More to Life

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

[Chorus]
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

[repeat chorus]

I'm wanting more
I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed.....

This is about as real as it gets.

I could blow you away with all of the Lindsay that I'm packin', but most people will never have the privilege...the amount of people in this world that truly know me is slim to nothing annnnnddddd I like it that way. I have an incredibly intense personality, but usually it comes out in incredibly expressive ways or to some, what seems to be incredibly indifferent ways. Expressive means I love your face to shit or perhaps that you're sorry you ever lit my fuse 'cause I burned your ass...indifferent usually translates into I'm a stuck up bitch because I don't throw myself at you to be friends. Well, sorry to break it to ya, I love with all my heart and I disregard just the same. Don't get me wrong, I have the gift of going into everything I do with 100%. I love harmony and want nothing more, but if you don't reciprocate it then well, let me just say you'll know if I'm gonna ride for ya or leave your ass to fend for yourself. My favorites in this world know who they are because they have also made me their favorite and I ain't gonna lie, I play for my favorites. If you have to sit there and be like, " I think I am..." Nope, try harder. You know I did and then eventually it probably seemed like I didn't and that ain't my fault...I expect a lot when it comes to my favorites and most people don't make the cut, it ain't hard, it's called making an effort. I'm sorry my expectations are high. Wait. Strike that, reverse it. I am not sorry. I'm pretty sure that there is nothing in this world that ever said it was a good idea to lower your expectations...usually the suggestion is to raise the bar. I like hurdles and I will jump them when it's worth it...I can only hope that I am a hurdle to anyone in this world worth jumping. I always say, take me or leave me, understand me or don't. I have a lot of shit built up in here and sometimes it affects who I let in my life so keep in mind, "you may know my name, but not my story." There are chapters in my life some people will never understand...NEVER. I will never explain them to you, and you will never understand me for them, but they are there, they have shaped me into what you see before you so again,  love this or leave this...I will embrace or brush it off either way. I hope you choose to love me though because I am a force to be reckoned with and can be a wonderful addition to your team. If I am in your life it is with an incredible passion. I know what lack of passion looks like...it's a waste of life force. I don't waste any of my force so please absorb it like a God damn sponge if I am spilling it your way. My spillage only lasts for so long and when it's not being returned you'll be wishing you hadn't wasted it when you had the chance. NO ONE should waste ANYTHING when they have the chance. So just don't do it ummmmkkkk?!?!? I've had too many people in my life who should have been there for me who weren't. You ever wanna know, just ask. I promise to always give you my best, but don't expect me to owe anyone anything for less than the best in return. I really am better at writing what I feel...if you don't like what I write, then you will never appreciate me. This is about as real as it gets right here.

I Can't Fix You

Trying to get to bed yesterday in the wee hours of the morning, one of the random moments of sadness I sometimes have about my dad snuck up. Not sure where it came from. I think it happened subconsciously in that moment when you're just drifting to sleep when things start to get weird and you either fall further into sleep and keep dreaming it or it jolts you awake...well, I woke back up and for a small second was reminded that I don't have any clue where my father is. Anyone close enough to me knows that I do not have an ideal relationship with either of my parents, but the one with my father is virtually non-existent. I don't say this to bash him or air his dirty laundry so to speak, I say this because it is 100% true, 100% sad and obviously has an impact on my life. For those of you with wonderful fathers who are in your life, helped raise you and were there for you, do me a favor. Cherish every bit of it because you are very blessed. I am glad for you that you can look at your father and say things like how there for you he was or that you looked up to him, that he taught you so much and showed you so much love. I do not believe I was unloved by him, but I do believe I was not a priority and most likely never will be. My father has always been a mess. I didn't really realize it until I got older because my family tried to hide it from me, but I am fully aware of his mess now. My parents were never married and I have never lived with my father. He used to just come and pick me up here and there to stay over and it always seemed great to me because my dad was always more like a fun friend than a parent. I realize now that, that was immaturity and deep rooted issues that he still hasn't overcome. Through the years he gradually got worse and people stopped trying to hide the mess that is him, and he no longer has anyone to clean up his messes. He seemed like a perfectly functional adult when I was young, but then I realized that he never had money enough for himself and relied on family and friends to cover for him and take him in the majority of the time. He never paid child support for me either. In more recent years, he has gotten about as low as he can get. He has no home, no money...no anything. At this point, I have not spoken to him since August when I got home from getting married in Vegas. He was not there, he did not walk me down the aisle. He really didn't seem all that enthused about it at all even though he has met Travis and likes him. He has the maturity of a teenager to put it plainly and his ability to see past his own selfishness and be a father is practically non-existent. I am the parent when I do hear from him, but most of the time I have no idea where he is or how to reach him. He calls when he feels like it and I tend to assume that no news is good news, that he's not in jail or at a homeless shelter or in some other drama. So yeah, I currently have no clue where he is and usually I don't think about him really as sad as that sounds. His life is such a mess to the point that I don't think he will ever recover...this is the most sad thing of all. As much as I would love to have the "world's greatest dad," I wish that even if I am never to have a relationship with him that he could at least someday come to know what having a real life is. And to know any kind of peace. To not be on drugs, drinking, homeless, squatting at someone's place, being booted and then re-embraced by family. To know what having a real everyday job is like, paying bills, interacting with family...the stuff we find so mundane. I can't imagine how much pain and destruction in his life he has seen and sometimes I feel so sad and sorry for him and just wish I could fix it...but then I realize it's not my job to and nor do I owe it to him with the damage his absence has done me. I realize that although the cards he has been dealt suck, he needs to punch that dealer in the throat and take the damn deck and deal himself the right hand. It's his life and he needs to fix it and if he were willing to do this I would be right there helping him, but that is where the immaturity steps in. He doesn't see life this way. He is a victim and he has been wronged and the world owes him something. He does not understand that the world is not fair, it does suck and it's going to screw you over and you will feel momentarily helpless. You can't control everything and you can't even always change it, but you can change what you do about it. He rebels, he doesn't rise above it. So dad, I'm sorry, I cannot fix you I can only wish for you to fix yourself. Until then it is what it is...you'll call every 3-4 months from a number I don't know so I won't answer because I won't know it's you. You'll leave messages saying that I never answer my phone like it's my job to when you call. When we do speak it'll be about you, no inquiries into how your daughter is doing and you'll just complain about the shit you've dealt with recently and ask me how you can fix it with my court and police "expertise." We'll hang up and you'll go back to doing you and I'll back to doing me until next time comes around. No, I cannot fix you...not with the strongest tape or the strongest glue. Only you can fix you and I can only hope that someday you choose to.

You're Only as Good as the Company You Keep

Only recently have I come to know how truly important your choice of friends/cohorts/partners in crime, whatever you call them, really is. It's amazing what a difference it makes to surround yourself with people who genuinely lift you up and are there for you, who empower you and are happy to see you happy. It's hard sometimes to see that "misery loves company," but it seems that people who are in misery flock together and the same can be said for those who aren't. I have to say that the last couple months have been a complete eye opener for me. I wouldn't say that I was necessarily in misery or depressed, but I can say that I was in an overall state of frustration about a lot of things in my life. I felt very much in a rut and that things just weren't going my way and I wasn't shy about sharing my feelings about it. And then the new year came along and although I do not do new year's resolutions, the timing was coincidentally perfect for me to take a new lease on life. I really took a look at myself and all of the things I was complaining about and made it my mission to not feel that way about life anymore, I mean it's only my LIFE we're talking about here right?!? So I made a conscious decision to cut all of the negativity from my life and to change anything I had complaints about. This whole time, the power to make those negative and stressful parts of my life less so was completely in my control to change and I spent how many years wasting time just bitching about it?!?! So with my new attitude and positive outlook I have made it a point to surround myself with people who are thinking the way I now do, who live their lives positively, inspire and lift others up. I have been overwhelmed with the abundance of people who actually are like this and how amazing it makes you feel!! It makes you want to be amazing and inspiring, supportive and uplifting!!! And I am!! Along with this though I have noticed some people fading more into the background...I am not saying this as in, "we are no longer friends" or "they're negative" or "I can't hang out with them anymore," but I did notice a difference. My only guess is that the idea of misery loving company is true...maybe now that I'm not complaining too, it's annoying to talk to me, I know I often get annoyed by obnoxiously happy people, but there is nothing obnoxious about it, it's simply honest. I would hope that anyone who has noticed any change in me whatsoever would be close enough to me to want to be right there with me. It sounds cliche and easier said than done, I know. But literally once I had it in my head that I was gonna do it, I did it and it was ridiculously simple. If nothing else, I want anyone who is caught in a constant state of complaining to find their way to this change too and I am all for helping them get there. I don't want people to fade because we don't complain together anymore, I want us all to be there for each other and lift each other up GENUINELY!!! No back-handed comments and no secret resentments. Just friends having fun and being happy for the things going on each other's lives. I used to be no stranger to down-playing someone's happiness because truthfully, sometimes it makes you feel "smaller" and wanting more to hear that someone got something you didn't. But then I came to the realization that there is no reason not to be happy for others...AT ALL!!! Have you ever thought about the times you may have deliberately ignored someone else's good news because you were in some way "jealous" of their success?!?! Think about what they got though...did you really want it?!? I don't know about you, but there has been many a time I have heard good news and it is definitely something I am happy for someone else for and glad it's their news and not mine!!! And whether it's something you also wanted or not, still be happy and make it happen for yourself, there is nothing to say that you and someone else both can't have the same happy moments. All I can say is that I am in love with being positive and in love with the high it gives me. Being this way and being with people who share the same energy has opened so many doors for me and it has made my quality of life so much better. I love all of the people in my life, and realize that not everyone is on my same path...doesn't mean you're against me, it simply means that I will strive to do what I can to be a positive person in your life and our relationship will proceed accordingly. You can count on me to be genuine, to lift you up, to be positive and to be supportive. I may not be a complete expert on the whole living positively thing just yet, but I can guarantee that what I do know is enough to rock your world even in the slightest little bit!!! I will do all that I can to share this and all of my fellow empowering friends with you!!!

Just for Fun

Just for the fun 'cause I enjoy this kind of crap ;)

Keep in mind that I don't follow astrology and do not live my life by this said crap, I just find it interesting how accurate this stuff can be sometimes. And for the record, this is not the first time I have taken the color quiz and my results are different because of what was appealing to me at the time I took it...just for the fun!!!

Color Quiz

http://colorquiz.com/

Your Existing Situation Feeling dissatisfied in her current situation and has a strong desire to escape or find an immediate solution. Your Stress Sources "Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important." Your Restrained Characteristics Feels unhappy and isolated because she is unable to succeed in finding the cooperation and understanding she desires. "Feels she is not receiving her fair share and is unable to rely on anyone for support or sympathy. she keeps her emotions bottled up, leaving her quick to take offense to small things. she tries to make the best of her situation." "Seeking to broaden her horizons and believes her hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries she may not be able to do the things she wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore her confidence." "Seeking to broaden her horizons and believes her hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries she may not be able to do the things she wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore her confidence." "Feels she is not receiving her fair share and is unable to rely on anyone for support or sympathy. she keeps her emotions bottled up, leaving her quick to take offense to small things. she tries to make the best of her situation." Your Desired Objective Feels as if her hopes and dreams have been unfairly stomped on by others. Irritated and upset with her current situation which she feels is an insult to her true desires. Your Actual Problem His desire to be respected and to stand out from the crowd is not being satisfied and therefore she is feeling anxious. her normal friendly self is being held back and she refuses to become involved or participate with others in normal day to day activities.

Your First Name of: Lindsay

http://www.kabalarians.com/

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Below is a brief analysis of the first name only.



Your first name of Lindsay has made you a friendly, approachable, and generous person.
 

• Generally you are good-natured, though at times you can be blunt and sarcastic.
   
• As you are naturally talkative, you find it easy to meet and make friends with many people.
   
• This name inclines you to be sympathetic and generous to those in difficult or unfortunate circumstances.
   
• You can be firm, positive, and independent in your own ideas and in reaching your own decisions, yet when it comes to taking action or following things through to completion, you often need encouragement.
   
• You respond quickly to kind words or any appreciation shown you.
   
• There are artistic, creative abilities in this name that you could express through music or singing, or, in a practical way, through sewing or interior decorating

• Although the name Lindsay creates the urge to be creative and original, we point out that is causes frustration through a scattered and emotional nature.

Chinese Zodiac: The Ox

http://www.astrology.com/chinese-astrology?other_date=05%2F09%2F1985

The Ox of Chinese Astrology is no bull in a china shop. Steadfast and solid, this powerful Sign is a born leader, being quite dependable and possessing an innate ability to achieve great things. Oxen tend to be plodding and methodical; they approach projects in the step-by-step manner that serves them best, and they never lose sight of their goal. They are tireless workers who are detail-oriented and believe in doing things right the first time. The world may perceive Oxen as being far too serious or incapable of loosening up. This sturdy sort is less than social by nature and tends to become introverted in a crowd. To make things worse, they can't be bothered with what other people think and prefer to do what makes them feel best. Behind that calm facade, though, lives an Ox who can feel hurt, lonely and unable to connect with others. Friends and family are a great source of comfort to this beast, even if they don't always understand what makes the Ox tick. As a lover, friend, family member or housemate, the Ox makes a wonderfully strong, tender and affectionate companion who is protective and always reliable. Out in the world, though, Oxen tend to be stubborn, dogmatic, my-way-or-the-highway kind of people who have no concept of when to back down. Oxen don't care to be pushed, especially since they think they're the good guys of the Chinese Zodiac. There is some truth to that theory, since the Ox is smart, trustworthy, caring and honorable. If you need honest, steady and unbiased advice, call on the Ox. A good lesson for mighty Oxen is to strive to overcome a judgmental nature that keeps them from getting close to others. If they can learn to value their own good qualities, they'll have more room in their hearts to invite others in.