I Can't Fix You

Trying to get to bed yesterday in the wee hours of the morning, one of the random moments of sadness I sometimes have about my dad snuck up. Not sure where it came from. I think it happened subconsciously in that moment when you're just drifting to sleep when things start to get weird and you either fall further into sleep and keep dreaming it or it jolts you awake...well, I woke back up and for a small second was reminded that I don't have any clue where my father is. Anyone close enough to me knows that I do not have an ideal relationship with either of my parents, but the one with my father is virtually non-existent. I don't say this to bash him or air his dirty laundry so to speak, I say this because it is 100% true, 100% sad and obviously has an impact on my life. For those of you with wonderful fathers who are in your life, helped raise you and were there for you, do me a favor. Cherish every bit of it because you are very blessed. I am glad for you that you can look at your father and say things like how there for you he was or that you looked up to him, that he taught you so much and showed you so much love. I do not believe I was unloved by him, but I do believe I was not a priority and most likely never will be. My father has always been a mess. I didn't really realize it until I got older because my family tried to hide it from me, but I am fully aware of his mess now. My parents were never married and I have never lived with my father. He used to just come and pick me up here and there to stay over and it always seemed great to me because my dad was always more like a fun friend than a parent. I realize now that, that was immaturity and deep rooted issues that he still hasn't overcome. Through the years he gradually got worse and people stopped trying to hide the mess that is him, and he no longer has anyone to clean up his messes. He seemed like a perfectly functional adult when I was young, but then I realized that he never had money enough for himself and relied on family and friends to cover for him and take him in the majority of the time. He never paid child support for me either. In more recent years, he has gotten about as low as he can get. He has no home, no money...no anything. At this point, I have not spoken to him since August when I got home from getting married in Vegas. He was not there, he did not walk me down the aisle. He really didn't seem all that enthused about it at all even though he has met Travis and likes him. He has the maturity of a teenager to put it plainly and his ability to see past his own selfishness and be a father is practically non-existent. I am the parent when I do hear from him, but most of the time I have no idea where he is or how to reach him. He calls when he feels like it and I tend to assume that no news is good news, that he's not in jail or at a homeless shelter or in some other drama. So yeah, I currently have no clue where he is and usually I don't think about him really as sad as that sounds. His life is such a mess to the point that I don't think he will ever recover...this is the most sad thing of all. As much as I would love to have the "world's greatest dad," I wish that even if I am never to have a relationship with him that he could at least someday come to know what having a real life is. And to know any kind of peace. To not be on drugs, drinking, homeless, squatting at someone's place, being booted and then re-embraced by family. To know what having a real everyday job is like, paying bills, interacting with family...the stuff we find so mundane. I can't imagine how much pain and destruction in his life he has seen and sometimes I feel so sad and sorry for him and just wish I could fix it...but then I realize it's not my job to and nor do I owe it to him with the damage his absence has done me. I realize that although the cards he has been dealt suck, he needs to punch that dealer in the throat and take the damn deck and deal himself the right hand. It's his life and he needs to fix it and if he were willing to do this I would be right there helping him, but that is where the immaturity steps in. He doesn't see life this way. He is a victim and he has been wronged and the world owes him something. He does not understand that the world is not fair, it does suck and it's going to screw you over and you will feel momentarily helpless. You can't control everything and you can't even always change it, but you can change what you do about it. He rebels, he doesn't rise above it. So dad, I'm sorry, I cannot fix you I can only wish for you to fix yourself. Until then it is what it is...you'll call every 3-4 months from a number I don't know so I won't answer because I won't know it's you. You'll leave messages saying that I never answer my phone like it's my job to when you call. When we do speak it'll be about you, no inquiries into how your daughter is doing and you'll just complain about the shit you've dealt with recently and ask me how you can fix it with my court and police "expertise." We'll hang up and you'll go back to doing you and I'll back to doing me until next time comes around. No, I cannot fix you...not with the strongest tape or the strongest glue. Only you can fix you and I can only hope that someday you choose to.