Don't mistake my kindness for weakness...

Seriously. I may look nice, and I am, but don’t assume that this makes me a doormat. Some people are loud, I’m not. Their speech is loud, their speech is frequent, they talk over people, and they say everything that comes to their mind. I am just not like that. This doesn’t mean that people who do this are all rude necessarily (some are), but that just isn’t me. When I am in the company of people who are “louder” than me, I tend to take on the listener approach rather then fight to be heard.

Anyone who knows me WELL, knows that I am a talker and I like to share my opinions and socialize, but I am not going to have a pissing match with people who want to “out-talk me.” I'm not shy, I'm not afraid of who I am, I just choose my battles and know when it's worth speaking up or not. People who talk over people usually don't care or have the respect for what you have to say anyway, so might as well let them have at it. *shrugs* SO if you think I am quiet, then you’re probably too loud, just sayin’. 

I am also not a fan of awkward and UNNECESSARY confrontations. I am very conscious of the way things are said and how they can be perceived. I am very sensitive to the impact words can have on people and I am a decent human being enough to care. There is a line between being yourself and expressing your beliefs respectfully and being the asshole who crosses it and speaks with no regard to the feelings it may hurt. People who do this not only have the ability to hurt other people, but they hurt themselves. It's self-damaging. It's not healthy to be an asshole in general, but you also isolate yourself by making no one want to be around you, so just don't do it OK? If it’ll cause awkward tension or it’s rude and it doesn’t need to be said, then don’t say it. Rules to live by: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? If not, then let it be left unsaid.

Whether I like your face or not, I don’t see the point in making things awkward, being mean or saying things to piss people off, especially if you’re someone I have to see all the time. I think being rude for the sake of being rude is stupid…there is a time and place for rude, but it does not need to be in every day conversation among FRIENDS AND FAMILY! And if you've been rude up to this point, and you know you have, and you think I am rolling over and letting you...don't make this mistake either. I try to let rude slide as long as I possibly can and then eventually I explode. You don't want that.  

With that being said, just because I don’t fight to talk over you or make things awkward for you, does not mean that I am weak and will bend to you. It means that I know how to handle myself like an adult and can leave petty shit aside. I like harmony and I don't take joy in making people feel bad or trying to look like a hard-ass bitch for no reason. There are so many different personalities in this world with so many different buttons to be pressed. It is IM-POSSIBLE to avoid everyone’s hot buttons and to agree with or like everyone in this world. It is OK not to make friends with every single person you come into contact with in this world, but it is NOT OK to not give people at least general respect.

So I think sometimes people mistake me for weak because I am not loud or argumentative. Well, you'd be way off the mark. I just save my "fight" for times to fight, no use wasting energy just so people can hear me. I don't need the spotlight and I know the difference between something that needs to be said compared to "I just don't know how to shut my mouth." <----that is called word vomit. I'm just not overly forth-coming and obnoxious with my noise. There is an orchestra of strong, powerful and awesome stuff in here, but I'm choosy about with whom and when it comes out. I don't personally think that everyone is deserving nor would they even want to know what realness I have in store.

Bottom line: Think before you speak. Don't say something that would be better left unsaid. Don't say things to be shitty and rude to the people you love. Treat people how you would want to be treated.

 

Enough is enough...orrrrr is it?!?

"Come on, think. I want you to reach back into those minds and tell me, tell us all, what it is you fantasize about. World peace? I thought so. Do you fantasize about international fame? Do you fantasize about winning a Pulitzer Prize? Or a Nobel Peace Prize? An MTV Music Award? Do you fantasize about meeting some genius hunk, ostensibly bad, but secretly simmering with noble passion and willing to sleep on the wet spot? You get Lucas' point. Fantasies have to be unrealistic because the moment, the second, that you get what you desire, you don't, you can't want it anymore. In order to continue to exist desire must have it's objects perpetually absent. Its not the it that you want, it's the fantasy of it. So desire supports crazy fantasies. This is what Pascal means when he says we are only truly happy when daydreaming about future happiness or why we say the hunt is sweeter than the kill. Or be careful what you wish for, not because you get it but because you're doomed not to want it once you do. So the lesson of Lucas is, living by wants will never make you happy. What it means to be fully human is to strive to live by ideals and ideals and not to measure your life by what you've attained in terms of your desires but those small moments of integrity, compassion, rationality, even self-sacrifice. Because in the end, the only way that we can measure the signifigance of our own lives is by valuing the lives of others." -The Life of David Gale

This girl is guilty as charged. I admit that I have a real problem with always wanting more despite all of the great things that I have. Trust me, I know how horribly selfish that sounds. I know that the goal is to be happy with what you have, and I am, but this has never stopped me from reaching for more.

My over-achieverness began in childhood. I am an only child, but I was not spoiled in the sense that most people think only children get spoiled. I had to work for everything, especially attention, so I went into everything I did with the intent to shine, hoping that I would get the approval I was looking for. And usually I did and still do go big and do well, but the catch was always that as soon as I did something great, I then felt like I had to go bigger, better and higher. Kind of like an addiction that builds over time. So began a vicious cycle...

I always feel like I'm just not quite where I wanna be just yet. That I still have more work to do and as soon as I get there, I just know I will be happy. Buttttt that's not usually what happens. I have an awesome life. I absolutely do. I have done amazing things and I continue to do them still. I have the most wonderful hubby and family, a great group of girl friends, I have a degree, a decent job that makes decent money, I own a home...but my problem is that as soon as I get something I have been wanting, I am soon on to the next big thing. I just keep "one-upping" myself.

In my own defense, I am learning to be more content with what I have and am coming to the realization that not all of my wants will turn into gots. I will never give up on my dreams, but there are some things in this world that I got into my head that I should shoot for, but that more than likely wouldn't make me any more satisfied if I got it. I need to build on what I have and realize that sometimes "less" is more. The sooner I figure this out, the sooner I can stop setting myself up for disappointment and can really start enjoying what I already have.

I also agree that life is so much more rich when it is lived with and for others. I will always strive to do more and be more, but I want that to include my role in the lives of the ones I love. As of late, I have already begun that journey by being more positive and holding onto positive people, reaching for my dreams while spending more time with people who make me happy and doing things that make me happy. Through this I am trying to spread the positive light that I have and make a difference in at least some small way. There are still some things that I need to fix, but I will worry less about them from now on while I am enjoying the good things.


I will leave you with lyrics to a song by Stacie Orrico that have always rung true for me.

(There's Gotta Be) More to Life

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

[Chorus]
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

[repeat chorus]

I'm wanting more
I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed.....