The Way I See It

The Way I See It:

You either embrace the hand you are dealt...or you become the dealer.

You put on your war make-up...or you put on your clown face.

You take a stand...or you get stood up.

You make the first move...or people move on, on you.

You make a name for yourself...or people label you.

You can be the joke...or the punchline.

You can love...or hate.

You can be the bigger person...or be shown how little you are.

You can turn dreams into reality...or forever live in the clouds.

You "either die a hero...or live long enough to see yourself become the villain."

You can give and receive...or you take.

You can accept and be accepted...or you can reject and expect the same.

You can roll over...or you can dive roll with a purpose.

You can show compassion...or pretend to be blind.

You can follow blindly in the dark... or be the guiding light.

You can be YOU...or you can be who you are rumored to be or who they want you to be.

Every day is a choice...I am realizing the importance of making MY choice rather than letting the world and other people tell me which choice to make. Your life is what you make it...are you as sick of being told what your life should be by other people as I am?!?

25 Things You Don't Know About Me

1. I used to go snipe hunting while camping when I was younger...here snipey, snipey, snipey :)

2. My first CD was Elvis' greatest hits.

3. I am a Colorado native and have lived here all my life, but have yet to ski or snowboard.

4. I love music, but am not a huge fan of going to concerts.

5. Horses have always been my favorite animal.

6. I never really got into playing with Barbies or dolls when I was little. I preferred cars and dinosaurs.

7. I have never had the real flu or the chicken pox.

8. I am famous in my family for 5 words I said when I was about 3 years old. "That damn Grunch (meaning Grinch) stole Christmas." Said in response to the Christmas presents having been moved from under the tree so the adults could make room to play poker.

9. I despise grocery shopping and clothes hangers. I think grocery stores should have traffic lanes and that hangers should not constantly get stuck to each or let my clothes slide off and onto the floor.

10. I used to watch the Turner Classic Movie channel all the time with my grandma when I was little. Loved the old black and white classics!

11. I am never without chapstick. Drives me crazy not to have any on. Love my Burt's Bees.

12. I find people who are repeatedly late, extremely rude. 'Tis a true pet peeve.

13. I do not enjoy doing hair, make-up, shopping, shoes or any of that girly stuff. It stresses me out!

14. I am not a picky eater, but I am picky about what I eat when. Pizza is awesome, but if I am in the mood for something else, pizza will not sound good to eat at all.

15. I am not a big fan of sweets.

16. It is a tradition for me to watch the original Halloween on Halloween and to watch the Santa Clause and the Jim Carrey How the Grinch Stole Christmas for the holidays.

17. I loved being a college student.

18. I am German, Irish, French and Cherokee Indian.

19. I love family heirlooms that get passed down from generation to generation. It's cool to know that you can physically touch or see something that a past family member kept and that it is some small part of history.

20. Mariah Carey was my favorite singer growing up.

21. I am mildly agoraphobic or socially phobic. Definiton: abnormal fear of being helpless in an embarrassing or unescapable situation that is characterized especially by the avoidance of open or public places.
Social phobia is a persistent and irrational fear of situations that may involve scrutiny or judgment by others, such as parties and other social events. Let me clarify though, it is not something that prevents me from doing anything or that you will ever notice, simply makes me anxious to think that I have to deal with it. Like going shopping at a busy time of day...I hate the crowds and I hate driving in it, but that doesn't mean I won't go. Just a random thing I guess!

22. Teal is my favorite color.

23. I love photographs. I want them all over my house like my great-grandma Kirby does, but Travis won't let me :( lol. I love looking at how life was in the past and what people looked like and would hope that my future generations would look back and marvel at the time I grew up in.

24. I am not a dark person, but I absolutely LOVE Tim Burton's works...but you all probably did know that one :)

25. I have always loved to read and write. I used to write stories with a best friend in elementary school that we would write on the big lined paper and staple into a piece of construction paper. We would take turns writing and illustrating our stories, mostly about hero horses , lol. I also wrote a story once about a pair of mice that got sick of being caught in mouse traps and devised a plan to make "people traps" so that we'd know how it felt. My 2nd grade teacher was so impressed, she sent me to the principal to read it for her. I then went on to write for my high school and college newspapers. And reading, well get me into a good book and I could spend all day locked up reading and finishing it!

Letting Go

Has anyone ever tried to forgive and forget?!? Are things ever really that easy? I've done it before and in some instances it has been easy to do one or the other and other times not so much. I think the key to letting go, moving on, and growing above something is realizing what you need to do about it. I have found that I am more than capable of pin-pointing how someone or something has wronged me, but it has taken me a long time to realize that I am not always going to have the wrong, righted for me. It should be righted, but that doesn't mean it will be. In the last couple years of my life I have slowly began to realize this. Call me a "late bloomer" in figuring this out, but I am a believer in the NEED for justice, but that does not always mean it is gotten when rightfully owed. I have often been so caught up in how shitty it was that someone wronged me or that I found myself in a situation that did not make me so happy, that I ignored the fact that despite my upset, nothing and no one was doing anything to fix it. So as you can imagine, while waiting on these people, not a damn thing got fixed. I suppose I could be old and gray and bitter and probably dead before I will ever get some things in this world the way I want them. It makes me sound so naive I guess you could say that I feel owed some things in this life, but there are some situations where I feel it is safe to say that I did deserve things and they were sometimes denied to me. I have not always liked the hand I have been dealt and it drives me crazy that you can be so "at someone else's mercy" sometimes. I am also disappointed in the fact that life is just not fair. But I now realize that the only person who can make things better for me in situations like this, is me. I have to realize there are simply some things I cannot change and I can either move on from them or let them sink me like a rock. And I'm not completely clueless and stupid like this all may sound. I am talking about things like having a dad that never was a dad. One who was too caught up in his own drama, issues and just plain immaturity to be there for me...I do not think it is an unreasonable request to think that I DESERVE and should have a dad who acts like one, who had any hand in raising me or contributed to me at all financially. But hence the statement that some people shouldn't have children. He had one, but didn't want to be the parent so unfortunately the only one who suffers is me and my mom used to when she had to pick up his slack. There have been times where friends have let me down, and I could forever hate them for it, but then I would be friendless. I have just come to learn what level to have with someone in a friendship and then there are no issues. There have been times when I have been looked over for things I clearly worked hard for and deserved simply because I wasn't a kiss ass or didn't have connections. I mean, how is that right? But it has happened regardless...I have spent a lot of my time being angry about what I should have or what someone should have done for me, but it's gotten me nowhere, but angry. I have begun and will continue to have to realize from now on that I can only accept this is how things are and move on from them, even if they are things I cannot necessarily leave behind completely. I have had to accept that my dad will never be the person in my life who I view as my dad. and that I will probably never know where he is and how he is doing and that he will always call me only when HE wants something and never think to ask about me. I will never get what I expect from people so I need to take what they can give and be happy to have their friendship. I will never get back situations in my life where someone who was less deserving got something that I deserved. I can only take solace in knowing that it is their loss. "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." -Buddha

Cruel, Cruel High School World

If you do or don't end up liking this blog, you can blame the current book I am reading because it is the inspiration behind my thinking this morning. The book is a New York Times Bestseller called "Thirteen Reasons." by Jay Asher. In a nut shell, the book is about a high school girl who ends up committing suicide due to circumstances that arise with people she goes to high school with. Throughout the book she is never alive, but she reaches out to the 13 people she blames for driving her to kill herself by recording what they did to her and sending the tapes to them to listen to. I know, pretty dark huh? I saw this book as a truth, not because I know any high school kids that have committed suicide or that the amount of drama she goes through in the book to decide to commit suicide is the same as what most kids typically go through...but because I think it is an accurate depiction of how another person's words or actions can affect you so deeply especially at this age and environment in your life. I personally did not have a particularly cruel high school experience, but I would NEVER repeat it. Besides the diploma and maybe a few true friends I made and of course my high school sweetheart who is now the love of my life, the whole thing was one big pile of BS. We are all at such a "need for belonging or need for acceptance" stage at this age in life. More than ever before, it matters how you dress, what you drive, if you're funny, boring, smart, who you are seen with, who you date, what activities you're in and the big one...whether you party or not. Even if these things did not completely rule you in high school, they did affect you to some degree. For me, it was mostly because I did not care to be a part of any of it. Here is a HUGE secret to understanding me so pay close attention. I am my own person and I am not afraid to STAND ALONE. If I don't like something, I don't do it. If I don't like you, I won't pretend to. If what you're doing is wrong, I won't participate. If it's cruel and not remotely funny, you won't get a courtesy laugh. And I will always fight for the underdog with the heart of gold over the bully with the big guns. With that said, I have 3 major examples I would like to share about my experience with the kinds of things played out in the book. 1. I have never and will never kiss ass...ever. If that's what you require to keep people around you, then you shall never see me there. I give credit, attention, friendship and respect to whom it is due. I do not give it to people because they think they should have it, because they are "popular," because you are my boss, coach, teacher, etc. You will get these things from me when you earn them because your "name" means nothing to me. Which brings me to my first and best example of this in high school. The day I turned down big bad *bleep* Name omitted to prevent further gossip (I am sure anyone who had to deal with this bitch can figure out who she might be real quick). She thought she was miss high and mighty because she hung out with senior boys...so fucking what? Ok, so she thought that made her God. So thinking that everyone would die to be her friend and could never deny her, she invited me to a club (I wasn't even old enough to get in them at the time) simply because I was dating one of "her" senior boys. So when she asked, since I had never spoken to the girl in my life, I asked her "how come?" Why are you inviting me, I don't know you....ahhh but I do know what you're doing...so from then on she hated me. Hated one of my best friends too for the same reason...dating one of "her" boys and we had the gall to stand up to her. Unfortunately, this girl did not know that I did not care to be on her good side or on her followers list...as she proceeded to throw things at both me and my friend simply because we walked by (because her life was so sad she felt the need to do this with her time). How sad for her that her life was this empty and petty that it was spent running around harassing people who CLEARLY did not give two shits about her. We were perfectly fine not being friends with her, but man could she just not stand that. So to a lesser woman than me who did care about such things, do you have any idea how awful they might have felt at school with someone who could treat them that way?!? To have someone you don't even know talking about you and throwing things at you because you didn't kiss their ass?!? Absolutely mind blowing to me!!!  Naturally though now when I have seen her in the REAL world outside of high school, she hasn't even had the balls to look at me...yep. ::Shakes my head:: And stick with me here, I know it's long but it's a good read, I promise :)  2. You aren't worth fighting with to me. I am the kind of girl that if things go to blows, they will be done with my words. You'll get it all laid out on the table from me and then we're done. I'm not gonna fight you and I'm gonna leave you swingin' at nothing. This same boy from the previous girl (wow, he was sure some trouble wasn't he?!?)  had an ex girlfriend. She was crazy psychotic, stalker, harasser chick. Man if I knew then what I know now working for the PD, her ass would have had harassment charges filed against her!!! As soon as I start dating this boy (and let me clarify I was a sophomore cheerleader, he was a senior football player) she was all over my ass. She would try to come up and talk to my friends that she knew so she could stand 2 feet from me and glare at me, she wrote notes to him claiming they were from me stating that I was seeing someone new so that he'd find it and be upset or break up with me, she called my house, she had someone call my mother and tell her they were the school counselor and said that there were "reports" of me going to parties and getting drunk and dancing on tables...BA HA HA HA. My mom played the message for me and I started laughing, I'd never even been to a party before!! She told other girls that I liked their boyfriend so they'd hate me. Psycho bitch for sure. On top of all of this she was preggo in high school (not from the boy I was dating) and after she graduated and the baby was born she proceeded to allow a drunk friend drive her and the baby in the car...well, he wrecked and they were both killed. Baby survived, thank goodness. Bitch drove me nuts, which again I was strong enough to handle, but shit had I been more of a bitch myself back then I would have done more to stop her. Ha, I should have used my newspaper status to write a between the lines story about high school shit like that...hindsight. And for my last story, not as dramatic, but still counts. 3. And go figure, it again involves the same said boy, which only adds to my belief that just because you're "popular" doesn't mean you're worth all of the drama you bring. Heard through the grapevine that someone (and this was someone I knew and had no issues with at the time) was saying that it was perfect that I was with this boy because we quote "both had the biggest heads in the school." I can say for certain that anyone who thought this of me was one of the ones like the first bitch who was upset I didn't kiss her ass...I was stuck up because I was not grovelling at their feet....and I was by the way proud of it! So stuck up was I, cool. She however, actually was one of these truly stuck up people. She thought she was the most beautiful thing ever to grace that school because she was a different nationality and had long legs like a model. But again, she and I never had issues so what would cause her to say something like this out of the blue? My guess is that it was because she liked said boy or if not, just that he didn't like her...and I guess if going by rumors is the thing to do, I heard she slept with like 30 people at that time sooooo I guess it may have hurt her numbers that he wasn't a notch on the belt?!? Whatever. Someone else has something you want and ya gotta talk shit. Fantabulous. So what is the moral of this story?!? Well, in the book she explains how things spiraled out of control beginning with one rumor. Something everyone believed that was not true and after some time of being beaten up and treated like shit due to this incorrect piece of information other things happened when she was already in a state to be seriously damaged by it and she inevitably ended up ending her life. Ultimately, you don't always know what the truth is. And you don't always know what someone is thinking or feeling. When stupid shit like this happened to me I was a strong enough person to say "fuck you" and think nothing of them, but this wasn't the case for everyone. Some people were truly hurt by things like this. What if someone killed themselves and sent you a tape saying what you did to be part of it?!? You couldn't live with yourself because you had no idea the impact you were having on someone's life and it would be too late. Again, hindsight and pray you don't have to use it. If nothing else in this world I am sensitive...sensitive to other people's feelings. You all may see me as cold sometimes, but one thing I can tell you for sure is...I am ALWAYS conscious of what I say or do and the effect it can have on someone else. Why? Because I am very sensitive to the way I feel when people are not conscious of the effect they will have on me when they say or do things. "They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel." Truly words to live by. Think twice before making that nasty comment or being the shithead who treats someone badly for your own amusement. Someone could be close to their edge...

Redemption- To set free; rescue or ransom.

I'll keep this short and sweet. I think this last straw, unfortunate circumstance, card I've been dealt or literally shift...may have been a blessing in disguise. I think it finally pushed me into action mode and into the state of mind I need to be in to make things right for myself. I have been in a rut ( and as my previous blog described, quarter-life crisis) and I have been dying to crawl my way out. I think that being told that for the 3rd time I need to just "take and accept" what is being handed to me and that I may get it a 4th time, is not gonna work this time. It's a huge thing to spend 40 and possibly plus hours a week doing something you're not absolutely in love with. Think about the things you spend the most time with: your husband/wife/partner, children, family, pets, hobbies, sleep...does work even remotely compare to these things? For most people it does not, but why the hell shouldn't it?!? I have struggled recently with the LOGIC and the HEART of things...logic hasn't worked for me so well so far and I'm ready to unlock the heart's side of the story...Sure, it may not be smart to start over in this economy, go back to school, but ya know what? Being "smart" has made me miserable...I am ready to be proud. Proud of me, proud of what I do, and feel like I am "the queen of the world" once again. I should not feel NAIVE, RIDICULOUS, and IMMATURE about my dreams. All I am asking for is the chance to take the gifts that I have and to put them to use in a dual purpose...one that will not only make my life better, but anyone else's in this world. Cheers to MAKING SHIT COUNT!!!