Passive. An ugly, ugly word that I would generally never use to describe myself. Unfortunately however, I recently came to the realization that in at least some ways, I am very much a passive person. :( Sad day for me and feeling fairly disappointed in myself. Kind of makes me sick actually and not quite sure what to do about it just yet.
It was my recent research into stress relief techniques that lead me to this revelation and it was a hard slap in the face and wake up call to some things about myself. I came upon a couple of articles that explained the difference between passiveness, aggressiveness and assertiveness and how they are related to stress levels. Passive is not enough=pushover, aggressive is too much=bully and assertive is just right=happy face. Kind of like Goldilocks and the three bears, my porridge is always too cold...
I am not one for confrontation. At all. I look for harmony in all things and hate being put into uncomfortable or tense situations, especially unnecessarily. It pisses me off royally when someone acts shitty and forces me to have to call them shitty or eat shit...so to speak. When I come to conflict with someone, I have a tendency to back off and hope they figure it out and correct themselves before our next meeting. Only now have I realized how stupid of me that is. I hate confrontation so much that rather than calling someone out, I let people continue to piss me off whether they realize it or not.
When I do this, I am literally like a ticking time bomb. I just sit back and tick while someone keeps pissing me off, until my fuse eventually runs out and then...BOOM. <---loud bang, flames, pain. You're sorry. And I have been going about this all the wrong way. Not saying that this is not necessarily wrong of someone to have been shitty to me, but I was unfair to not stop them before I exploded and more importantly, I burned myself along the way. It stresses me incredibly to have people treat me badly and I spend so much time avoiding, manuevering, and being angry at them rather than just nipping it in the bud. Therefore, I cause myself stress.
Here are some excerpts from the links below that I found particularly interesting:
Passive people aim to avoid conflict by avoiding communication about their needs and feelings, but this behavior damages relationships in the long run. They may feel like victims, but continue to avoid confrontation, becoming increasingly angry until, when they finally do say something, it comes out aggressively. The other party doesn’t even know there’s a problem until the formerly passive individual virtually explodes! This leads to hard feelings, weaker relationships, and more passivity.
Passive individuals don’t know how to adequately communicate their feelings and needs to others. They tend to fear conflict so much that they let their needs go unmet and keep their feelings secret in order to ‘keep the peace’. They let others win while they lose out; the problem with this is that everybody involved loses, at least to an extent.
If your style is passive, you may seem to be shy or overly easygoing. Why is that a problem? Because the message you're sending is that your thoughts and feelings aren't as important as those of other people. In essence, when you're too passive, you give others the license to disregard your wants and needs.
Now all of this is not to say that I need to be an asshole from now on because there are also downsides to being too aggressive, but I do need to step it up a notch. The whole part about people thinking that my thoughts and feelings aren't important...so true. I get talked over ALL THE DAMN TIME. When I am speaking, people flat out start talking about something completely off topic while I am in the middle of speaking. RUDE. But I guess that goes to show that since I am not aggressive enough to do that to them or to even tell them they're being an ass, this makes it OK. I always used to think my forehead said bitch, but apparently it says doormat. I've lost my touch.
I also know for certain that I specifically avoid people who are overly aggressive. I do not respect people who treat me like a doormat and I usually want to punch them in the face for either having treated me or someone else like shit.
Here are some facts about aggressive people:
If your style is aggressive, you may come across as a bully who disregards the needs, feelings and opinions of others. You may appear self-righteous or superior. Very aggressive people humiliate and intimidate others, and may even be physically threatening. You may think that being aggressive gets you what you want. However, it comes at a cost. Aggression undercuts trust and mutual respect. Others may come to resent you, leading them to avoid or oppose you.
I don't know about you all, but I don't like treating people this way and I really do resent people who put me in a position to feel this way. Like, FUCK YOU for making me feel like shit around you, making me feel small and forcing me to avoid you because you have no respect and awareness for the way you treat others. Yeah, aggressive people, you do that.
I don't want to stress over other people anymore, especially with my own help. We as people are like puzzles with half the pieces missing. It's hard to figure each other out (or even ourselves for that matter) when we don't quite understand what's going on and don't have all the right pieces. Learning this information was like WHOA for me. Like...whoa. The truth hurts.
I'll leave you with what effective, assertive communication should look like:
Because assertiveness is based on mutual respect, it's an effective and diplomatic communication style. Being assertive shows that you respect yourself, because you're willing to stand up for your interests and express your thoughts and feelings. It also demonstrates that you're aware of the rights of others and are willing to work on resolving conflicts.
Assertiveness affects many areas of life. Assertive people tend to have fewer conflicts in their dealings with others, which translates into much less stress in their lives. They get their needs met (which also means less stressing over unmet needs), and help others get their needs met, too. Having stronger, more supportive relationships virtually guarantees that, in a bind, they have people they can count on, which also helps with stress management, and even leads to a healthier body.
http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/p/profileassertiv.htm
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/assertive/SR00042/?amp&&pubDate=June+17,+2011
No comments:
Post a Comment