As much as many of us would like to think that life will take us along a straight and smooth path from start to finish, in reality it usually takes many twists, turns and detours and has many unforeseen pit stops while enroute to our final destination. We sometimes even come to a fork that the map never showed and we're forced to choose which is the best path to take.
I actually came to my fork several years ago. I took it in the direction I felt was best for me at the time, but then recently, I found myself facing the same fork again. This time around though I just sat there and stared at it and continue to stare at it, not knowing what to do with myself. Perhaps I'm fearful as I am getting older (that's an ugly new phrase I keep finding myself saying these days) and that my youth and "time" is slipping away, that I don't want to take either path lightly as I do not want to see this fork ever again.
I have always been a dreamer. Since childhood I have loved to read, to be taken to a place that is not HERE. To be allowed to dream what I want, think and do what I want. I always thought that the world was my oyster long before I even knew what that phrase meant. I was going to be somebody and nothing could say that anything was out of my reach. I still dream this. I still think I can do the amazing things I want to do and be the person I want to be, I just never knew that there would be so many god damn logistics to be it. Seriously, WHAT were we thinking when we decided to grow up and leave our childhood behind?!? But you all know my dreamer stories and my tattoo and blah, blah, blah. So anyway, this fork symbolizes what I see as my last chance before I lose anymore time, to finally get it right. I know that "it's never too late to be who you want to be," I just don't want to wait any longer.
I'd never be one to say that I am ready to settle down and in many ways I'm still not. I still have extravagant dreams and there are still so many things I want to do. I still want to do them and hopefully someday I absolutely will, but at the moment, my priorities have changed.
Throughout my college years, I as many college kids, was living in a world between teendom, and being an adult who was completely out on their own. Since then I find myself in a new "in-between" world. This time between the half-kid, half-adult Lindsay to the half-adult, but not quite full-adult world. I have become what I suppose you'd call a "grown-up," and own a house, a car, have a job, and am married. Minus kids I'm almost to the American dream. Yet, here I am back at my fork.
I know which way I need to go this time. Last time I veered one way because I had time and didn't have quite the "strings" that I do this time. It didn't hurt to experiment. And I learned many things from this path, but most importantly that I'm not willing to meet this fork again.
I don't see an easy journey before me. There will be more work for me to do and I will have to start over in many ways. If there is one thing though, I feel excitement that there may be big change for me. It's been awhile since anything majorly life-changing has happened to me and I miss that because it seemed to happen so often in my college days. I am hoping to finally find a situation where I can feel at peace with the path I have chosen and feel settled, not so much like a leaf in the wind where everything is constantly changing. I'm ready for the winds to calm and land me in a place where I can find new excitement and new achievements in new things. I'm ready to put my first step in the direction down a different path at this fork!
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