I had a moment

Amidst a moment of immense sadness the last week or so, I had a moment of complete clarity. I had one of those "zone out" moments that you see on television or in a movie. You see something that stops you in your tracks and everything, suddenly, makes sense. You don't see or hear anything around you and all of a sudden, you know what it is you have to do.

No, I was not high and no, I was not drunk. I had a genuine "moment," and now it's hard to think of anything else. My moment was amongst a grieving family. My husband's family and now, MY family. A family with an amazing history, with a "name," and with roots.  A family that knows the meaning of the word and what it means to be connected.

I am someone who loves a history, a story. I think the past and people from it are so incredibly interesting. My time, our time, is boring. To look back on people who lived through things we could never imagine, who lived things we find vintage, collectible or rare is so incredibly fascinating. I love tradition. I love a home, a piece of furniture or a photo album that touched the past. I love holidays and the random moments that make up the memories that a family holds onto for a lifetime. Something that shows a moment in time when someone lived who is no longer here, an era that is now gone. I know, deep.

I come from a small family. Well, my mother's side is. My father's side is fairly large, but I rarely see them...long story. It is what it is. My family is loving absolutely, but sometimes my family is "all business." There is a lot of love between us, but sometimes it remains hidden like it's not "OK" to share. My family is weird like that and I can't explain it. I'm not upset, that's just how it is.

My in-laws, all of them, are completely the opposite.  I am absolutely like that. I believe that we should show and tell each other how we feel about each other always. Before it's too late. With my in-laws, family is such a huge deal, good or bad, for better or worse. Everybody hugs and everybody loves and spends hours just visiting and toasting and being together. I want that, forever and always for me and Travis. I want our children to have a history, to have a story and pieces of their family's past to hold onto. I am exactly in the right place :)

So what of my moment? While standing amongst my mother-in-law's family and enjoying the company and neighborhood, I had a vision of us, having a house in a neighborhood just like that. On a quiet cul-de-sac in a nice area, with a view and a sunset, among family from several generations...just seeing my own future played out exactly like that. To have our lineage hanging on the wall, a street named after us and children and grand-children running all over the place in the grass in the sunshine. It all just made sense. This is what life is about. That's all I want. A loving family, spending time together, in a nice home that we pass down through generations, with traditions and love.

It was all so incredibly simple and all incredibly beautiful. A theme that I took from the day, even in a time of such loss, is don't lose sight of the family legacy you have. Stay close to family and don't let it fall apart because that's so easy in this day and age. I want my children to look back and be fascinated with what our family history holds. I do what I can to share this with my family because I don't want us to miss out.  I felt like I missed out on so much of this when my grand-father passed away and all I wanted was to know more of the amazing life he lead...where he came from and what his youth was like. Where I come from.

My goal at this moment, even if it doesn't happen right this moment, is to recreate the family treasures that I so cherish. All I want or wish is to have a career I love, a home I love, I already have the man I love, and hopefully we can find ourselves nestled in a house with a history and a view where we can create our own cherished memories and our own family traditions. What a moment.

The Truth Hurts

Passive. An ugly, ugly word that I would generally never use to describe myself. Unfortunately however, I recently came to the realization that in at least some ways, I am very much a passive person. :( Sad day for me and feeling fairly disappointed in myself. Kind of makes me sick actually and not quite sure what to do about it just yet.

It was my recent research into stress relief techniques that lead me to this revelation and it was a hard slap in the face and wake up call to some things about myself. I came upon a couple of articles that explained the difference between passiveness, aggressiveness and assertiveness and how they are related to stress levels. Passive is not enough=pushover, aggressive is too much=bully and assertive is just right=happy face. Kind of like Goldilocks and the three bears, my porridge is always too cold...

I am not one for confrontation. At all. I look for harmony in all things and hate being put into uncomfortable or tense situations, especially unnecessarily. It pisses me off royally when someone acts shitty and forces me to have to call them shitty or eat shit...so to speak. When I come to conflict with someone, I have a tendency to back off and hope they figure it out and correct themselves before our next meeting. Only now have I realized how stupid of me that is. I hate confrontation so much that rather than calling someone out, I let people continue to piss me off whether they realize it or not.

When I do this, I am literally like a ticking time bomb. I just sit back and tick while someone keeps pissing me off, until my fuse eventually runs out and then...BOOM. <---loud bang, flames, pain. You're sorry. And I have been going about this all the wrong way. Not saying that this is not necessarily wrong of someone to have been shitty to me, but I was unfair to not stop them before I exploded and more importantly, I burned myself along the way. It stresses me incredibly to have people treat me badly and I spend so much time avoiding, manuevering, and being angry at them rather than just nipping it in the bud. Therefore, I cause myself stress.

Here are some excerpts from the links below that I found particularly interesting:

Passive people aim to avoid conflict by avoiding communication about their needs and feelings, but this behavior damages relationships in the long run. They may feel like victims, but continue to avoid confrontation, becoming increasingly angry until, when they finally do say something, it comes out aggressively. The other party doesn’t even know there’s a problem until the formerly passive individual virtually explodes! This leads to hard feelings, weaker relationships, and more passivity.

Passive individuals don’t know how to adequately communicate their feelings and needs to others. They tend to fear conflict so much that they let their needs go unmet and keep their feelings secret in order to ‘keep the peace’. They let others win while they lose out; the problem with this is that everybody involved loses, at least to an extent.

If your style is passive, you may seem to be shy or overly easygoing. Why is that a problem? Because the message you're sending is that your thoughts and feelings aren't as important as those of other people. In essence, when you're too passive, you give others the license to disregard your wants and needs.

Now all of this is not to say that I need to be an asshole from now on because there are also downsides to being too aggressive, but I do need to step it up a notch. The whole part about people thinking that my thoughts and feelings aren't important...so true. I get talked over ALL THE DAMN TIME. When I am speaking, people flat out start talking about something completely off topic while I am in the middle of speaking. RUDE. But I guess that goes to show that since I am not aggressive enough to do that to them or to even tell them they're being an ass, this makes it OK. I always used to think my forehead said bitch, but apparently it says doormat. I've lost my touch.

I also know for certain that I specifically avoid people who are overly aggressive. I do not respect people who treat me like a doormat and I usually want to punch them in the face for either having treated me or someone else like shit.

Here are some facts about aggressive people:

If your style is aggressive, you may come across as a bully who disregards the needs, feelings and opinions of others. You may appear self-righteous or superior. Very aggressive people humiliate and intimidate others, and may even be physically threatening. You may think that being aggressive gets you what you want. However, it comes at a cost. Aggression undercuts trust and mutual respect. Others may come to resent you, leading them to avoid or oppose you.

I don't know about you all, but I don't like treating people this way and I really do resent people who put me in a position to feel this way. Like, FUCK YOU for making me feel like shit around you, making me feel small and forcing me to avoid you because you have no respect and awareness for the way you treat others. Yeah, aggressive people, you do that.

I don't want to stress over other people anymore, especially with my own help. We as people are like puzzles with half the pieces missing. It's hard to figure each other out (or even ourselves for that matter) when we don't quite understand what's going on and don't have all the right pieces. Learning this information was like WHOA for me. Like...whoa. The truth hurts.

I'll leave you with what effective, assertive communication should look like:

Because assertiveness is based on mutual respect, it's an effective and diplomatic communication style. Being assertive shows that you respect yourself, because you're willing to stand up for your interests and express your thoughts and feelings. It also demonstrates that you're aware of the rights of others and are willing to work on resolving conflicts.

Assertiveness affects many areas of life. Assertive people tend to have fewer conflicts in their dealings with others, which translates into much less stress in their lives. They get their needs met (which also means less stressing over unmet needs), and help others get their needs met, too. Having stronger, more supportive relationships virtually guarantees that, in a bind, they have people they can count on, which also helps with stress management, and even leads to a healthier body.


http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/p/profileassertiv.htm

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/assertive/SR00042/?amp&amp&amp;pubDate=June+17,+2011

Fakebook

                      

Fakebook. What Facebook should really be called.

"Facebook helps you connect and share with the people in your life." Sometimes it does. And sometimes it can also connect people who don't know each other or are in each other's lives at all. People who are complete strangers, acquaintances, creepers and sometimes, people we don't even like.

Facebook and I have a love/hate relationship. I think FB has the potential, and often is, one of the best social inventions ever. It really is the easiest way to communicate and connect with most people these days and it makes it possible to reach out to people you may not have been able to otherwise. It's a fast and easy way to share with people what you want to share, while seeing other people's shares at the same time. On the other hand,  I sometimes believe it is also the root of all evil. It can allow people to open a whole Pandora's box full of drama and allows people to connect and share in ways that they really shouldn't. It can be a medium in which to spread gossip, create drama and it allows us to be lazy. It lets people who have no business being in our business, in our business. <----And that's just bad for business.

I really do love sharing with my friends on FB, but not all people on my FB are my friends. Hear me out. I have a lot of FB  ACQUAINTANCES, and very few actual FRIENDS.

Friend- somebody emotionally close: somebody who trusts and is fond of another

Acquaintance: somebody who thinks well of or is on good terms with somebody else

Huge difference.

Among friends I am a fairly open book. I share my thoughts, feelings, opinions and emotions to friends because I trust them and because I know they care. In public and among acquaintances, I keep a lot to myself, because they probably don't care and I don't feel the need to make my business, their business. Until recently, I had yet to find a way to differentiate sharing between the two on FB. I deleted some people, blocked posts from others, and tried to restrict what I said. As you can imagine there is no way to avoid pissing someone off with any of these options. You delete someone, regardless of the reason or how much you DON'T even speak and they're butt-hurt. You block posts and they question why you're such a bitch as to hide stuff from them. I avoid being myself and saying what I want to say and I'm pissed. Lose-lose situation. But then I got smart. I created a second page. One where I sought out the people I wanted on it and I am not accepting all of the other random requests. Now I can share what I want, with whom I want and not have to worry about a thing. Besides, those people are already friends with me on one page, they shouldn't get greedy.

Facebook in my opinion is almost like a mass text. I IDEALLY use it to share my "status" with people who I know will care and who will not make drama out of it. I feel that I should be able to be myself, say the things that I naturally say, cuss, be happy, be angry, be sad, whenever I damn well please. Real friends wouldn't question, look down or judge me for what I say. They also wouldn't snoop and use my words in negative ways or say nasty things on posts that have nothing to do with them. Some people talk shit about people sharing their personal lives on FB. Yeah, it is stupid, when you do so with people who aren't your real friends. I feel that the people on my FB should be people who care about my personal shit and aren't using it for drama and that I should not even have to think about whether someone will say or do something malicious. The FB problem is that we allow too many people on our pages who have the wrong intentions.

People accept friend requests from just about anyone these days. People you sat next to in college for a couple weeks. People you went to high school with 10 years ago and will NEVER see or speak to again, not even on FB. People you met randomly through someone else. People you work with, but aren't really friends with. We accept people for all of the wrong reasons. I am not a notch in the FB friend belt people. I only want to have people on my FB who I actually engage with in life. People I speak to and see regularly, real friends and family and people who I care about and who care about me. Facebook should be comprised of REAL. I am a quality over quantity girl. I don't care to be the 600th friend whom people scroll over to get to a better post or to get pissy over the things I say and WHO I AM.  If you aren't gonna talk to me and you don't care about what I say, but then secretly read my shit and stock it for ammunition to talk shit about or judge then please locate your nearest UNFRIEND button and GTFO. Nobody HAS to be FB friends. If you wouldn't notice my absence then don't ask in the first place.

If you don't KNOW me, don't request access to a medium that I share who I am on and then judge me.

I don't think that I should feel bad for saying what I want just because people who it's not intended for can read it. I really only need about 20 of my FB peeps to see what I say, my posts are only really meant for them anyway because they are the only ones who really care about the typical day to day of my life. All of the those other people don't notice a damn thing until they think it applies to them or touches on one of their interests. I find out who all of the creepers are who I never thought paid any attention to me when I post something that has anything that THEY THINK has to do with them. They don't actually comment or like things of course, but will then bring it up later.

And please don't get me wrong, I like all of the people on my FB, that's why I ever accepted their "friend request" at all, but I really don't need all of the 150 people on my FB to see what I am saying all the time. And to be honest, a lot of my acquaintances didn't really "know" me before they asked me to be their FB friend. They have probably since discovered that I am a pretty intense individual and maybe don't even like the things that I have to say. I also have professional connections now on FB and it's already bitten me in the ass. This is my PRIVATE page. If you can't understand the distinction then don't be my friend on there. Don't use my private words against me in the professional world. I know, there is something to be said about who a person is in private, but I am not a bad person. Like anyone, there are things you can say and do in private that you cannot say and do everywhere else. Doesn't mean I am a bad person in private, it means that I know the difference between when certain words are appropriate or not and when it's OK to use them. Doesn't mean that I am not a professional.

Bottomline. I don't need numbers, I need my real friends. I haven't lost sight of the fact that FB was created to connect people, GENUINELY. If you regularly interact with me and I with you.  You're safe. If you scroll past me and never comment, like, message or anything, then what's the point? Honestly. I appreciate your extension of warmth, but we could still be acquaintances outside of FB where we can share what we want with who we want.

I've said before that Facebook is like a billboard. A lot of people see it, but most people don't really care about or really get the message. They read and react to it how they want and you as the "poster" have no control over how the message is perceived. Perhaps then the answer is to choose your audience instead of letting your audience have free reign to make what they want of your words. Maybe, just maybe.

These are a few of my fave-or-ite peeps!

Favorite- person or thing liked most: somebody or something that is liked most of all or preferred to all others.

I do not use the word favorite lightly. There are very few people who have earned the role of favorite in my life and in a world where we often encounter people who are less than favorable, I think my favorites deserve to be shown some love!

This small and wonderful group of people make my life brighter, help keep a smile on my face, and help maintain my sanity in moments when I need it most. Without them, it would be much easier to succumb to the negative and sadder aspects of this world, but luckily, I have them!

Travis AKA my Sunshine- You are just that. You literally light up my life. You are my best friend and the love of my life. My puzzle piece. You are so much a part of my life that that there are hardly any aspects of life that don't involve you, and that's how I like. Actually, scratch that, love it! What better way to spend life than with the one you love the muchiest! ;) So glad that despite our youth and immaturity, we both knew there was something more and never let each other go! I could write a novel about the amazing person you are and what you mean to me, but just know that I love you to the moon and back and that I know that you love me the same. I love the humor, joy and "completeness" that you bring to my life and that just being together is happiness to me. We can sit in silence and never say a word, yet compliment each other so well at the same time. Loving you is so easy, yet you know all the right ways to challenge me...thank you for being so wonderfully you and perfect for me at the same time! Love you!

Louise- My incredible and incredibly loved grandmother! My grandmother just means so much to me...she is incredibly selfless and has done things for me in times when I hardly deserved it, but she did it all the same because she loved me and that's just what great grandmothers do! She has been kind of like my other "parent" all my life and I have lived with her the majority of my life. I owe her in so many ways because she has been that rock when I needed her and I will do all that I can to show her just how much she means to me! I don't think she ever gives herself the kind of credit that she deserves, but she is more deserving than most anyone I know! It is an incredible person to do so much for others at the expense of herself, but she never even bats an eyelash. She is a queen and deserves to be treated like one to the max! I love you grandma more than you'll ever know!

Sheileen- my mother-in-law and more importantly, my friend. It is truly a wonderful thing to know that while most women complain about their mother-in-law, I truly and absolutely LOVE mine! It is a rare thing to have a soul mate in a partner, but to then find another soul mate in a totally different way in the same family, is saying something...perhaps my hubby and soul mate learned best from his mother because I love them both beyond words! Sheileen, you have filled so many emotional holes and enhanced my life in so many ways that I can't even begin to explain. I tell you more than I tell most of my friends and I do so because I know that you care and also that I know that you never judge me because you love me just the same! I trust your opinion and love listening to your wisdom, and know that you will always be there for me! I appreciate so much the bond that we have and will always have no matter where mine and Travis' relationship ends up! You are a friend, mother and true soul mate for life!

Tommy- my cousin and best friend. You know you have always been more like a brother to me because we were all raised together and spent so much time together. I love your "genuineness." You are genuine to the core. I love how good you are at just being you, and that I can be so ME with you at the same time! Besides my hubby, you are the only person I can ever TRULY be myself around because I know that you accept me for me and just know that I will ALWAYS accept you for you! You are beautiful both inside and out and I pity anyone who never has the pleasure and privilege of knowing you. I wish that I had your ability to be so like and lovable! Your energy is magnetic, you are hard to resist and my only wish is that I could see you more often...may be something we need to seriously work on cause I love every moment I spend with yo face! I just love, love, love you! Zombies and darkness and music and stuff ;)

Danielle- my most wonderfully feisty friend! Thank you for leading me to the doorway of women empowerment! Empowerment not only for myself, but for my fellow women! Thank you for being that friend who "gets it," and knows that true friendships and great friendships come from lifting each other up and being there for each other unselfishly! You are so good at being the positive light, yet still know how to incorporate your feisty roots in at the same time. And I love that you can be positive with me yet let me keep my feisty too!! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and for introducing people to your fellow women "empowerers" so that we can all benefit from the positive vibe (you know who they are)! Also, thank you for just being such a fun friend! You are always down for whatever shenanigans we all think of and make no excuses! You light up the room and make us all laugh, but can also have a serious heart to heart and give the most valuable, sincere advice at the same time! Thank you for being such a fresh breath of "great friend" air! Love ya like a feisty girl loves cupcakes! Ha ha ha

Jenny- my lifetime friend. Though we haven't known each other our whole lives, we've been friends for some of the most important moments. High school, boy drama, growing up, college and now full-on adulthood! Thank you for the sincere and genuine friendship that you always give. You are so loved by so many and it is for a reason! You have an amazing way of just being there for people and genuinely caring about them. This is something that I have always admired about you! You also have the same goofiness as I do and I can't complain about how out of control that means we can get! And it's AWESOME!! Thank you for always being there and for making such an effort out of all of your busyness to come to my little soirees! Love ya!

Kaitlyn- my lover you friend. Miss Kaitlyn, you and I have known each other for a couple years now, and sometimes it's been a roller coaster ride. But deep down, no matter what, we are friends to the core! I love how laid-back you are and yet you know when to let your hair down and act like a crazy with the rest of us! Because you are so laid-back, you also are always up for all of my shenanigans and you make every effort to be there for each and every one! Thank you for being there for me in times when I needed to vent and to always listen without judging! You have seen me at some of my rare and worst moments and you still like me somehow, lol. I love our girls nights whether it be all the girls or just us and I also enjoyed our BBQ with miss Maddie (we will have to do one of those again)! Cheers to many more years of our craziness! Lover you!

Caitlin- my sister-in-law and friend. I love that you truly embrace and cherish the moments with the family like I do, and that you make such an effort to spend time with all of us! I can't even begin to imagine what having 2 kids is like, not to mention having 2 kids while working and having a hubby with crazy hours like mine, so I think you deserve a lot of credit for balancing all that you do and still making the time to fit us all in! You are a superwoman! You and I are so alike in that we came from much smaller families, so I think we truly understand the connection of the large family we married into! I believe that the word "family" does not always apply just to the people you are blood-related to and that some of the most important people in your life are those that come from different nuclear families, who you allow and accept into your heart as family. Sometimes you choose your "blood" and you all are blood to me! Love ya!

Granted there are so many more special people in my life, these just happen to be the ones that I talk to and spend the most time with! I love and appreciate all of the people in my life, that's why you are in my life, but just felt the need to take a moment to let a few who have gone the extra, extra mile, know just how much they mean to me!

Choices...

A recent local news story really stroked a chord in me, and mostly because of the reaction people had to it. First and foremost, I do not say this to argue, debate or "talk shit" to anyone who may disagree with me, but because I feel that people may not always know what happens in "real" life behind the news lens.

I happen to be someone who studied journalism in college and actually lives criminal justice in real life. I know how the news media can impact a situation whether it be positive or negative, and that this is what people see, sensationalized or not.

The news story I am speaking of is a DUI related case where the driver hit a tow truck driver who was already on scene with officers on an unrelated emergency accident. My high school peeps have mostly already seen this and know what I am talking about and anyone else can either ask or Google that ish. The suspect and previous high school classmate of mine was recently sentenced for hitting and killing someone as a result of a DUI. He was sentenced to 48 years. Some people argue this is too little of time, some that this is too much. Some that this is a choice and some that this was related to an illness.

Me? I don't think that we can place a value on life and what this case really comes down to is a choice and how a choice impacted a life. Does the manner in which a life is taken warrant time served? Perhaps, but I learned in college that I am not much of a negotiator, therefore most likely a horrible attorney/judge as I could not accurately place a value on such a thing as life or forgive someone for taking one so selfishly. All I ever knew was that I could never defend someone who I thought may be guilty...

I am a straight up HATER with a capital H-A-T-E-R of DUI's. There is NO excuse. If ya don't have a ride then you don't have a reason to drink and then drive. Get a DD, get a cab, call a friend. They may want to punch you in the face for calling them drunk at whatever in the AM, but do they want to see you kill yourself or someone else?!? NOT LIKELY.

I work in a field of overwhelming negativeness. Very rarely do I see a happy ending, but more upsetting than anything is that sadness, anger and tragedy is usually a CHOICE. People choose to do these things. To drink, to drink and drive, to assault, fight, hate, hurt, cause drama and any other horrible, sad and despicable situation you can ever wildly dream of. There is so much possible joy in this world and you choose to kill it?!? All I can ask is why? I know I will never receive the answer, but oh how I feel the need to ask!

So with this DUI case I hear a lot of people saying, " how sad for him" or when I call him selfish, I have people trying to tell me not to confuse selfishness with alcoholism. Trust me, I don't. Alcoholism is selfish. You choose to drink, and this sometimes leads to alcoholism, but the choice to drink in the first place is your's. I have known many an alcoholic, but especially in this case where this person had many DUI's before they eventually hit and killed someone...well, all I have to say is...NO EXCUSES. This person begged a judge to give them a second chance because they realized that they "act irresponsibly" when drunk. They were granted a second chance and then drove drunk, while their license was revoked unless with an interlock device. They chose to take their parent's vehicle, knowing they would not be responsible to an interlock and ultimately killed someone. Choices.

I have no pity, no sympathy and no sorrow for this person. I feel sorry for the person and their family who lost their life and that of a loved one for someone else's selfish choice. I hope the drinks you had that night were worth someone's light. You snubbed out someone's light...for booze. Justify that. Oh wait. You can't.

48 years...too much? Too little? I don't have an answer because I cannot place a time limit or value on that person's life. I don't know when their "time" was or if this incident makes this being their time fair. Just sorry to hear that someone else's poor choice had something to do with it.

Maybe I am a little "butt hurt" about it?!? Maybe, but this happens to be the one week of the year where people in my line of work can be recognized for what we do. This is National Public Safety Telecommunications week. A time to recognize 911 dispatchers for the hard work that we do and the "unsung heroes" that we are. I would love for anyone to have to take an emergency call and do so without showing emotion, even when your heart is breaking for someone. In this particular case, imagine being the officer who watched the tow truck driver who was helping you, get run over. Or imagine someone like me being on the other end of the radio, hearing that someone was just run over and is possibly dead and for what?!? Someone's typical Friday night out?!? Not excusable.  We take that shit home with us and it's hard. We have to be strong when someone else's world may be falling apart. We know what it is to appreciate life and to shun someone who violates it. Enough said.

I urge you to educate yourself, put yourself in someone else's shoes and to never take anything for granted, most importantly someone's life.

Don't mistake my kindness for weakness...

Seriously. I may look nice, and I am, but don’t assume that this makes me a doormat. Some people are loud, I’m not. Their speech is loud, their speech is frequent, they talk over people, and they say everything that comes to their mind. I am just not like that. This doesn’t mean that people who do this are all rude necessarily (some are), but that just isn’t me. When I am in the company of people who are “louder” than me, I tend to take on the listener approach rather then fight to be heard.

Anyone who knows me WELL, knows that I am a talker and I like to share my opinions and socialize, but I am not going to have a pissing match with people who want to “out-talk me.” I'm not shy, I'm not afraid of who I am, I just choose my battles and know when it's worth speaking up or not. People who talk over people usually don't care or have the respect for what you have to say anyway, so might as well let them have at it. *shrugs* SO if you think I am quiet, then you’re probably too loud, just sayin’. 

I am also not a fan of awkward and UNNECESSARY confrontations. I am very conscious of the way things are said and how they can be perceived. I am very sensitive to the impact words can have on people and I am a decent human being enough to care. There is a line between being yourself and expressing your beliefs respectfully and being the asshole who crosses it and speaks with no regard to the feelings it may hurt. People who do this not only have the ability to hurt other people, but they hurt themselves. It's self-damaging. It's not healthy to be an asshole in general, but you also isolate yourself by making no one want to be around you, so just don't do it OK? If it’ll cause awkward tension or it’s rude and it doesn’t need to be said, then don’t say it. Rules to live by: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? If not, then let it be left unsaid.

Whether I like your face or not, I don’t see the point in making things awkward, being mean or saying things to piss people off, especially if you’re someone I have to see all the time. I think being rude for the sake of being rude is stupid…there is a time and place for rude, but it does not need to be in every day conversation among FRIENDS AND FAMILY! And if you've been rude up to this point, and you know you have, and you think I am rolling over and letting you...don't make this mistake either. I try to let rude slide as long as I possibly can and then eventually I explode. You don't want that.  

With that being said, just because I don’t fight to talk over you or make things awkward for you, does not mean that I am weak and will bend to you. It means that I know how to handle myself like an adult and can leave petty shit aside. I like harmony and I don't take joy in making people feel bad or trying to look like a hard-ass bitch for no reason. There are so many different personalities in this world with so many different buttons to be pressed. It is IM-POSSIBLE to avoid everyone’s hot buttons and to agree with or like everyone in this world. It is OK not to make friends with every single person you come into contact with in this world, but it is NOT OK to not give people at least general respect.

So I think sometimes people mistake me for weak because I am not loud or argumentative. Well, you'd be way off the mark. I just save my "fight" for times to fight, no use wasting energy just so people can hear me. I don't need the spotlight and I know the difference between something that needs to be said compared to "I just don't know how to shut my mouth." <----that is called word vomit. I'm just not overly forth-coming and obnoxious with my noise. There is an orchestra of strong, powerful and awesome stuff in here, but I'm choosy about with whom and when it comes out. I don't personally think that everyone is deserving nor would they even want to know what realness I have in store.

Bottom line: Think before you speak. Don't say something that would be better left unsaid. Don't say things to be shitty and rude to the people you love. Treat people how you would want to be treated.

 

Enough is enough...orrrrr is it?!?

"Come on, think. I want you to reach back into those minds and tell me, tell us all, what it is you fantasize about. World peace? I thought so. Do you fantasize about international fame? Do you fantasize about winning a Pulitzer Prize? Or a Nobel Peace Prize? An MTV Music Award? Do you fantasize about meeting some genius hunk, ostensibly bad, but secretly simmering with noble passion and willing to sleep on the wet spot? You get Lucas' point. Fantasies have to be unrealistic because the moment, the second, that you get what you desire, you don't, you can't want it anymore. In order to continue to exist desire must have it's objects perpetually absent. Its not the it that you want, it's the fantasy of it. So desire supports crazy fantasies. This is what Pascal means when he says we are only truly happy when daydreaming about future happiness or why we say the hunt is sweeter than the kill. Or be careful what you wish for, not because you get it but because you're doomed not to want it once you do. So the lesson of Lucas is, living by wants will never make you happy. What it means to be fully human is to strive to live by ideals and ideals and not to measure your life by what you've attained in terms of your desires but those small moments of integrity, compassion, rationality, even self-sacrifice. Because in the end, the only way that we can measure the signifigance of our own lives is by valuing the lives of others." -The Life of David Gale

This girl is guilty as charged. I admit that I have a real problem with always wanting more despite all of the great things that I have. Trust me, I know how horribly selfish that sounds. I know that the goal is to be happy with what you have, and I am, but this has never stopped me from reaching for more.

My over-achieverness began in childhood. I am an only child, but I was not spoiled in the sense that most people think only children get spoiled. I had to work for everything, especially attention, so I went into everything I did with the intent to shine, hoping that I would get the approval I was looking for. And usually I did and still do go big and do well, but the catch was always that as soon as I did something great, I then felt like I had to go bigger, better and higher. Kind of like an addiction that builds over time. So began a vicious cycle...

I always feel like I'm just not quite where I wanna be just yet. That I still have more work to do and as soon as I get there, I just know I will be happy. Buttttt that's not usually what happens. I have an awesome life. I absolutely do. I have done amazing things and I continue to do them still. I have the most wonderful hubby and family, a great group of girl friends, I have a degree, a decent job that makes decent money, I own a home...but my problem is that as soon as I get something I have been wanting, I am soon on to the next big thing. I just keep "one-upping" myself.

In my own defense, I am learning to be more content with what I have and am coming to the realization that not all of my wants will turn into gots. I will never give up on my dreams, but there are some things in this world that I got into my head that I should shoot for, but that more than likely wouldn't make me any more satisfied if I got it. I need to build on what I have and realize that sometimes "less" is more. The sooner I figure this out, the sooner I can stop setting myself up for disappointment and can really start enjoying what I already have.

I also agree that life is so much more rich when it is lived with and for others. I will always strive to do more and be more, but I want that to include my role in the lives of the ones I love. As of late, I have already begun that journey by being more positive and holding onto positive people, reaching for my dreams while spending more time with people who make me happy and doing things that make me happy. Through this I am trying to spread the positive light that I have and make a difference in at least some small way. There are still some things that I need to fix, but I will worry less about them from now on while I am enjoying the good things.


I will leave you with lyrics to a song by Stacie Orrico that have always rung true for me.

(There's Gotta Be) More to Life

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

[Chorus]
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

[repeat chorus]

I'm wanting more
I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed.....