Please hold while I take a moment to reflect

As I find myself rapidly approaching my 3 year anniversary with the Lakewood Police Department and having spent the last 2 days in a training class, I feel it appropriate to take a minute to reflect on how far I have come in the public safety communications world.

On August 24, 2009, I started my first day on one of the most difficult, rewarding, educational, stressful, testing, maddening and misunderstood journeys of my life. That was my first day as a 911 Police Dispatcher. Little did I know at the time, what an impact simply having this job would make on not only myself, but on the relationships I have with friends, family and the public I serve. 

I did not come from a law enforcement background with family members working in the field, nor did I ever think I would end up in a law enforcement career. When I saw the job announcement, I seemed qualified, it sounded cool, so I thought I would give it a shot. By some miracle I made it through the intense hiring process and have somehow managed to survive ever since. Me and one other person beat out almost 600 other applicants and spent 2 months being background checked with a fine tooth comb before finally getting the job. There is a very small percentage of the population who has the personality to be a dispatcher and many of us who try, don't make it through training. I would be lying if I didn't say that there were times that I thought I'd be one of them.

My first 8-9 months with the PD were spent in training (yes, it really takes that long to be done with training and completely dispatching on your own). Training was one of the most difficult, uncomfortable and almost "breaking point" times in my entire life. Having to make split second decisions filled with gray areas, with sometimes life or death consequences, while keeping officers safe and remaining calm, all while a trainer listens to and watches your every move, can wear on you. On more than one occasion in the last 3 years, I told myself, "I can't do this. I am not cut out for this job. I don't fit in." But somehow, here I still am. 

We all see 911 calls on the news, sadly more often in a bad light, but no one can ever understand the weight a dispatcher bears, knowing that at any moment, THAT call could be your next call. So, better make sure you handle it right 'cause you don't want to be the dispatcher on the news who fucked up. One small slip up can change someone's life forever. In a good or bad way, the outcome is at least partially up to us. 

3 years in and I am still learning, enhancing my skills and becoming a better dispatcher. I still have days where I wonder if I'm where I'm supposed to be, but then I have to remind myself: in 3 years, I have had almost nothing but praise. In 3 years, I AM STILL HERE. My supervisors, coworkers and officers trust me to let me put my headset on and take those calls and send those officers. They are trusting me to someday train someone to be like me. Wow. So here's me and my reflection...

          Despite the hard times and the moments where I didn't think I could make it, didn't think I could take one more tragic call, cussing caller or rude officer. For the moments when I didn't have confidence in myself, knew someone else didn't have confidence in me and felt like I just wasn't ever gonna get it, I have surprised myself and I have done it, and done it well. I have spent a lot of time doubting my abilities despite the fact that so many others have believed in me and think much more of my dispatching abilities than I give myself credit for.

More and more though, I am coming to realize that I can do this, I DO do this and I deserve to be a dispatcher, and the city of Lakewood deserves to have me. While spending the last couple of days in training, a major theme that kept coming up is, "are you the kind of dispatcher you would want handling your family's emergency?" and "are you the kind of person who can handle that high priority call when it comes up?" The answer is yes.

I'm not looking for pats on the back because this moment, this blog, is about patting myself on the back. I heard a very true statement that speaks directly to me today, "others have had more faith in me than I have had in myself." I have spent a long time thinking maybe I'm not where I'm supposed to be, but there are so many people who disagree, and want me answering those calls right beside them.

I say again that NO ONE can understand what a dispatcher does until they ARE one or at least observe one in action. This life is not for everyone. And as many times as I have minimized my abilities or what I do, there is no denying that what I do is special and that it takes a special person to do it. I am proud to say that I am one of them. I can only hope that I can only become better and come to appreciate me and my career even more. I still don't know what the future holds for me as far as being a 911 dispatcher forever, but no matter what happens, this experience will have forever changed me and given me a chance to grow in ways that not many others can.  What I have learned about the world and myself from this job is not one where you can learn most anywhere else. Wherever I go from here, I will be better because of where I am now and what I have gone through to get here.

I make even the smallest impact on people everyday when I am at work and this is no small thing. To appreciate yourself and your role in this world is something we should never neglect. We all need a pat on the back sometimes, especially from ourselves. We are after all sometimes our harshest critic and sometimes we deserve those gold stars and thumbs up. 

I'll leave you with this poem and some funny dispatch humor!!

Just A Voice

Dispatcher Poem

You don't know who I am; to you I am just a voice.
It was me who took your frantic call, when you had no other choice.

I spend many hours waiting, to help when you're in need.
"Send help to me, please get them here is often what you plead.

To do my job is complex, but only a few tools are a must
Put your faith in me, I am the one that you can trust.

My ears are a necessity; my mouth a mighty sword
I must use my ears to listen, and then choreograph every word.

I am the protector of this land; I take pride in what I do
I am here to listen and do what is best for you.

The day you place a call to me, might be the worst day you ever had
At least today you know, I too was feeling sad.

I take your problems home with me, I know that's not so good,
But as you felt your tragedy it was by your side I stood.

 I walked with you to the door, to let them in to help,
I guided you to safety, when all alone you felt.

It is not often we hear praise or even simple thanks,
But the cookies and cards are plenty through police and fire ranks.

The day you placed your call, and I picked up the phone
I hope I made you feel safe and showed you you're not alone.

Remember who I am, I am not just a voice
I am the 911 Dispatcher you called when you had no other choice.


Author: Tracy Eldridge
Rochester, MA Communications Center

Night Owl Problems

Hoot hoot. That's me. Awake, working, functioning and living my life in the dark of night. Sounds like fun right? It can be, but I'm guessing that's a negatory for most anyone else. I'm guessing anyone who takes the time to read this is not a night owl and can't recall the last time they pulled an all-nighter, much less an all-nighter spent working. The truth is that work sucks in general, but most people spend their time at work during what is considered normal daytime hours. If you know me at all, you know that my "normal" work hours are from 8 pm to 6 am. In the winter, I go to work in the dark and leave in  the dark. I sleep until 2-3 pm in the afternoon and work almost all weekends and holidays. So what does that mean to you day and normal shift working people? Nothing. What does it mean to me? A lot. People who have never worked shift-work, nights, holidays or weekends don't know and couldn't possibly know what living your life on the dark side is like, which is why it can make living with daylight people so difficult for us.  Some people don't respect our lifestyle at all, which makes it harder for us to try and fit entirely into theirs. "Normal" shift-working people are very fortunate to work on days and at times when pretty much everyone else does. To have a set schedule, weekends and holidays guaranteed to you. What is my point? It's not to ask you to work my schedule or pity me because this is something that I chose, it's simply to enlighten and to share a little of what my life looks like on what I like to call "night owl, vampire or bat status."

I already mentioned that I work 8 pm to 6 am, pretty much when all of you day people are going to sleep and waking up. I work 4-10's or four days a week for 10 hours. My days off vary, but in the 3 years I have been at my job, they have always been weekdays. I work holidays and usually almost all of them. Sounds like something you would want to do? Yeah, no. I realize that I chose to work the job that I do, but I didn't choose for people to not take the time or care to try and understand it. Despite the fact that I am a night owl and I don't necessarily mind working nights, I do mind missing out on some of the things that come with the day.

Working graves as I do, I sleep until afternoon most days. I must use blackout curtains to make my room dark and sometimes earplugs to block out the activity of the rest of the world who is not sleeping along with me. You all have it made when it comes to noise complaints. Noise that is not unreasonable is technically allowed between 7 am and 10 pm. So any hour I am sleeping, noise can pretty much be made. Have you ever had to see how maddening it is to have someone jack-hammering outside of your window in what is the middle of your night and you can't do ANYTHING about it!! Because it's allowed, it's daytime, no one cares that you're sleeping, get with the program and get a regular job!!

Asking night people to do things in the middle of your day is like me asking you to come hang out at 1 am. The middle of the day for me is in the middle of the night. So "can't you make it to brunch at 11 am?" is a ridiculous request. I can't tell you how many days I have been up for over 24 hours and gotten no sleep or had to shove coffee, Red Bull or whatever else I can find down my throat to make shit happen. And don't get me wrong, I don't expect to have everything moved for me because I am just one friend or family member out of many, but there is room for accommodation some of the time. Do something early so I can go home and go to bed afterwards. Do something later so I don't have to get up in the middle of my night and only get 4 hours of sleep. Night people miss things because we need sleep too. I do what I can to make it to what I can, but if the people in your life don't understand your schedule and insist on planning things they know you can't make, the "sorry you can't make it because you're working," line, gets old. Sometimes it's a choice other people have made and this is stressful for us because we WANT to be there.

And if missing out on friend and family functions weren't bad enough, I hardly see my husband during our work week. We work the same days currently, but completely opposite hours. I work 10 hour days at night, he works 12 hour days in the day. He is at work while I sleep and am up before work, he is home while I am at work, and he is asleep when I get off work in the morning. We don't physically see each other awake for 4 and a half days a week. Our conversations are reduced to phone calls, texts and notes. How does that sound? I know of no one else, that goes through that.

The malls, banks and businesses are all open to accommodate day people so it's tough to get to those things without missing out on a little sleep. I have missed out on getting so many things done because I wake up when things close or certain places are closed on Saturday and Sunday, which are practically the middle of my week. I propose there be a community of businesses like this to be built to be open for night people. Seriously.

No one can ever hang. You're the only one who can stay up all night anymore so you're up and ready to go when everyone else is winding down. Drunken dance party for one! Again! Woo hoo. Yeah.

Not to mention that the overall lack of sleep, and disruption of normal sleep hours can have more permanent effects on us. We are said to die a couple years sooner and to be more likely (women anyway) to get breast cancer. Lovely huh?

So overall it can be a shitty situation.

So I don't mean to bitch here regardless of any bitching that was done, but I wanted to shed light on a topic I feel most people know nothing about...what it's like for people like me to live this kind of life. So when I get a little brat-tastic when people disregard how I might feel about having to miss out on so many things, take a minute and think. I know me nor anyone I know who works this way EXPECTS people to change everything all of the time for us, but every once in awhile couldn't hurt. We are friends and family members too and we don't like to miss out or be left out anymore than anyone would. So next time you find yourself in the company of a night person, don't assume that we EXPECT you to understand because we don't. But it would be nice for people to at least try, and if we really mean that much to you, take time every now and then and try to do things our way. We do it for you...

http://www.ehow.com/list_7611856_negative-effects-night-shift-work.html


http://dailyuw.com/news/2008/jan/16/what-you-need-to-know-about-working-the-graveyard/

http://www.ueunion.org/stwd_fatigueshift.html

Listen IF you can

I have learned much about the truth behind this statement quite recently. So much that I have begun to keep my mouth shut, in certain situations anyway. I have always been one to share my feelings through words. I love words and the meanings, emotions and thoughts they can inspire. I know the power a word or phrase can have and how communication is such an essential part of our world. Sometimes though, no matter your intention and no matter how important words can be, there are some people who will just never understand them or you for that matter.

I am not one to ever say that I can be "silenced." I believe we should be free to say what we feel and shouldn't ever hold who we are back. This is of course to say that what you are saying is not intentionally hurtful because using words as weapons is never OK, but sometimes among certain company, your words can hurt yourself.

Sometimes I feel like we are all kind of like a puzzle. A complex riddle that very few others can ever completely figure out. Some people get pretty close, but the tangled web of unique and chaotic human being we each are can never truly be unraveled. When we find ourselves in moments and in situations with people who know very little about us or don't care to understand, the words we say are open to all kinds of misinterpretation. They can't  figure out our puzzle. Some people just don't get our sense of humor, understand the words we use or simply just don't like us so they take everything we say and twist it to meet their own agenda or to find more fault in us. Sometimes we're kind of damned either way, to either not speak at all or to speak and be misunderstood.

So I am constantly learning, always getting better and learning from my mistakes. Sometimes it's not even my mistake, simply that I entrusted much more to someone than they deserved and I am revoking their previous privileges. So my lesson has been that I need to have a better filter. To know when to say something and when to say nothing. To know what to say and what to keep to myself. To know who will appreciate my words and who could give a shit less. For someone like me who loves words and loves using them, there is nothing more crushing than to have someone misunderstand or take your words and use them for something other than what you intended them for. Or to say something whole-heartedly for the betterment of something or someone and have it ignored. To know that someone "can hear you, but they can't understand." Picture this: it's like if your words actually visibly came out of your mouth when you spoke, you could watch them soar across the room and bounce right off someone's face. They can hear, but cannot absorb. 'Tis incredibly frustrating.

So if anyone happens to notice my quiet or lack of posts, never fear for I am still here ;) I am just being a little more selective about what I say and to whom I say it. I feel like I am always saying things like this, but I guess that is because my words mean a great deal to me and I take it kind of personally whenever they are not used the way they were intended. My words are precious to me and I don't like to waste them on deaf, disinterested or disrespectful ears. Listen.  Hear me, if you can.

I had a moment

Amidst a moment of immense sadness the last week or so, I had a moment of complete clarity. I had one of those "zone out" moments that you see on television or in a movie. You see something that stops you in your tracks and everything, suddenly, makes sense. You don't see or hear anything around you and all of a sudden, you know what it is you have to do.

No, I was not high and no, I was not drunk. I had a genuine "moment," and now it's hard to think of anything else. My moment was amongst a grieving family. My husband's family and now, MY family. A family with an amazing history, with a "name," and with roots.  A family that knows the meaning of the word and what it means to be connected.

I am someone who loves a history, a story. I think the past and people from it are so incredibly interesting. My time, our time, is boring. To look back on people who lived through things we could never imagine, who lived things we find vintage, collectible or rare is so incredibly fascinating. I love tradition. I love a home, a piece of furniture or a photo album that touched the past. I love holidays and the random moments that make up the memories that a family holds onto for a lifetime. Something that shows a moment in time when someone lived who is no longer here, an era that is now gone. I know, deep.

I come from a small family. Well, my mother's side is. My father's side is fairly large, but I rarely see them...long story. It is what it is. My family is loving absolutely, but sometimes my family is "all business." There is a lot of love between us, but sometimes it remains hidden like it's not "OK" to share. My family is weird like that and I can't explain it. I'm not upset, that's just how it is.

My in-laws, all of them, are completely the opposite.  I am absolutely like that. I believe that we should show and tell each other how we feel about each other always. Before it's too late. With my in-laws, family is such a huge deal, good or bad, for better or worse. Everybody hugs and everybody loves and spends hours just visiting and toasting and being together. I want that, forever and always for me and Travis. I want our children to have a history, to have a story and pieces of their family's past to hold onto. I am exactly in the right place :)

So what of my moment? While standing amongst my mother-in-law's family and enjoying the company and neighborhood, I had a vision of us, having a house in a neighborhood just like that. On a quiet cul-de-sac in a nice area, with a view and a sunset, among family from several generations...just seeing my own future played out exactly like that. To have our lineage hanging on the wall, a street named after us and children and grand-children running all over the place in the grass in the sunshine. It all just made sense. This is what life is about. That's all I want. A loving family, spending time together, in a nice home that we pass down through generations, with traditions and love.

It was all so incredibly simple and all incredibly beautiful. A theme that I took from the day, even in a time of such loss, is don't lose sight of the family legacy you have. Stay close to family and don't let it fall apart because that's so easy in this day and age. I want my children to look back and be fascinated with what our family history holds. I do what I can to share this with my family because I don't want us to miss out.  I felt like I missed out on so much of this when my grand-father passed away and all I wanted was to know more of the amazing life he lead...where he came from and what his youth was like. Where I come from.

My goal at this moment, even if it doesn't happen right this moment, is to recreate the family treasures that I so cherish. All I want or wish is to have a career I love, a home I love, I already have the man I love, and hopefully we can find ourselves nestled in a house with a history and a view where we can create our own cherished memories and our own family traditions. What a moment.

The Truth Hurts

Passive. An ugly, ugly word that I would generally never use to describe myself. Unfortunately however, I recently came to the realization that in at least some ways, I am very much a passive person. :( Sad day for me and feeling fairly disappointed in myself. Kind of makes me sick actually and not quite sure what to do about it just yet.

It was my recent research into stress relief techniques that lead me to this revelation and it was a hard slap in the face and wake up call to some things about myself. I came upon a couple of articles that explained the difference between passiveness, aggressiveness and assertiveness and how they are related to stress levels. Passive is not enough=pushover, aggressive is too much=bully and assertive is just right=happy face. Kind of like Goldilocks and the three bears, my porridge is always too cold...

I am not one for confrontation. At all. I look for harmony in all things and hate being put into uncomfortable or tense situations, especially unnecessarily. It pisses me off royally when someone acts shitty and forces me to have to call them shitty or eat shit...so to speak. When I come to conflict with someone, I have a tendency to back off and hope they figure it out and correct themselves before our next meeting. Only now have I realized how stupid of me that is. I hate confrontation so much that rather than calling someone out, I let people continue to piss me off whether they realize it or not.

When I do this, I am literally like a ticking time bomb. I just sit back and tick while someone keeps pissing me off, until my fuse eventually runs out and then...BOOM. <---loud bang, flames, pain. You're sorry. And I have been going about this all the wrong way. Not saying that this is not necessarily wrong of someone to have been shitty to me, but I was unfair to not stop them before I exploded and more importantly, I burned myself along the way. It stresses me incredibly to have people treat me badly and I spend so much time avoiding, manuevering, and being angry at them rather than just nipping it in the bud. Therefore, I cause myself stress.

Here are some excerpts from the links below that I found particularly interesting:

Passive people aim to avoid conflict by avoiding communication about their needs and feelings, but this behavior damages relationships in the long run. They may feel like victims, but continue to avoid confrontation, becoming increasingly angry until, when they finally do say something, it comes out aggressively. The other party doesn’t even know there’s a problem until the formerly passive individual virtually explodes! This leads to hard feelings, weaker relationships, and more passivity.

Passive individuals don’t know how to adequately communicate their feelings and needs to others. They tend to fear conflict so much that they let their needs go unmet and keep their feelings secret in order to ‘keep the peace’. They let others win while they lose out; the problem with this is that everybody involved loses, at least to an extent.

If your style is passive, you may seem to be shy or overly easygoing. Why is that a problem? Because the message you're sending is that your thoughts and feelings aren't as important as those of other people. In essence, when you're too passive, you give others the license to disregard your wants and needs.

Now all of this is not to say that I need to be an asshole from now on because there are also downsides to being too aggressive, but I do need to step it up a notch. The whole part about people thinking that my thoughts and feelings aren't important...so true. I get talked over ALL THE DAMN TIME. When I am speaking, people flat out start talking about something completely off topic while I am in the middle of speaking. RUDE. But I guess that goes to show that since I am not aggressive enough to do that to them or to even tell them they're being an ass, this makes it OK. I always used to think my forehead said bitch, but apparently it says doormat. I've lost my touch.

I also know for certain that I specifically avoid people who are overly aggressive. I do not respect people who treat me like a doormat and I usually want to punch them in the face for either having treated me or someone else like shit.

Here are some facts about aggressive people:

If your style is aggressive, you may come across as a bully who disregards the needs, feelings and opinions of others. You may appear self-righteous or superior. Very aggressive people humiliate and intimidate others, and may even be physically threatening. You may think that being aggressive gets you what you want. However, it comes at a cost. Aggression undercuts trust and mutual respect. Others may come to resent you, leading them to avoid or oppose you.

I don't know about you all, but I don't like treating people this way and I really do resent people who put me in a position to feel this way. Like, FUCK YOU for making me feel like shit around you, making me feel small and forcing me to avoid you because you have no respect and awareness for the way you treat others. Yeah, aggressive people, you do that.

I don't want to stress over other people anymore, especially with my own help. We as people are like puzzles with half the pieces missing. It's hard to figure each other out (or even ourselves for that matter) when we don't quite understand what's going on and don't have all the right pieces. Learning this information was like WHOA for me. Like...whoa. The truth hurts.

I'll leave you with what effective, assertive communication should look like:

Because assertiveness is based on mutual respect, it's an effective and diplomatic communication style. Being assertive shows that you respect yourself, because you're willing to stand up for your interests and express your thoughts and feelings. It also demonstrates that you're aware of the rights of others and are willing to work on resolving conflicts.

Assertiveness affects many areas of life. Assertive people tend to have fewer conflicts in their dealings with others, which translates into much less stress in their lives. They get their needs met (which also means less stressing over unmet needs), and help others get their needs met, too. Having stronger, more supportive relationships virtually guarantees that, in a bind, they have people they can count on, which also helps with stress management, and even leads to a healthier body.


http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/p/profileassertiv.htm

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/assertive/SR00042/?amp&amp&amp;pubDate=June+17,+2011

Fakebook

                      

Fakebook. What Facebook should really be called.

"Facebook helps you connect and share with the people in your life." Sometimes it does. And sometimes it can also connect people who don't know each other or are in each other's lives at all. People who are complete strangers, acquaintances, creepers and sometimes, people we don't even like.

Facebook and I have a love/hate relationship. I think FB has the potential, and often is, one of the best social inventions ever. It really is the easiest way to communicate and connect with most people these days and it makes it possible to reach out to people you may not have been able to otherwise. It's a fast and easy way to share with people what you want to share, while seeing other people's shares at the same time. On the other hand,  I sometimes believe it is also the root of all evil. It can allow people to open a whole Pandora's box full of drama and allows people to connect and share in ways that they really shouldn't. It can be a medium in which to spread gossip, create drama and it allows us to be lazy. It lets people who have no business being in our business, in our business. <----And that's just bad for business.

I really do love sharing with my friends on FB, but not all people on my FB are my friends. Hear me out. I have a lot of FB  ACQUAINTANCES, and very few actual FRIENDS.

Friend- somebody emotionally close: somebody who trusts and is fond of another

Acquaintance: somebody who thinks well of or is on good terms with somebody else

Huge difference.

Among friends I am a fairly open book. I share my thoughts, feelings, opinions and emotions to friends because I trust them and because I know they care. In public and among acquaintances, I keep a lot to myself, because they probably don't care and I don't feel the need to make my business, their business. Until recently, I had yet to find a way to differentiate sharing between the two on FB. I deleted some people, blocked posts from others, and tried to restrict what I said. As you can imagine there is no way to avoid pissing someone off with any of these options. You delete someone, regardless of the reason or how much you DON'T even speak and they're butt-hurt. You block posts and they question why you're such a bitch as to hide stuff from them. I avoid being myself and saying what I want to say and I'm pissed. Lose-lose situation. But then I got smart. I created a second page. One where I sought out the people I wanted on it and I am not accepting all of the other random requests. Now I can share what I want, with whom I want and not have to worry about a thing. Besides, those people are already friends with me on one page, they shouldn't get greedy.

Facebook in my opinion is almost like a mass text. I IDEALLY use it to share my "status" with people who I know will care and who will not make drama out of it. I feel that I should be able to be myself, say the things that I naturally say, cuss, be happy, be angry, be sad, whenever I damn well please. Real friends wouldn't question, look down or judge me for what I say. They also wouldn't snoop and use my words in negative ways or say nasty things on posts that have nothing to do with them. Some people talk shit about people sharing their personal lives on FB. Yeah, it is stupid, when you do so with people who aren't your real friends. I feel that the people on my FB should be people who care about my personal shit and aren't using it for drama and that I should not even have to think about whether someone will say or do something malicious. The FB problem is that we allow too many people on our pages who have the wrong intentions.

People accept friend requests from just about anyone these days. People you sat next to in college for a couple weeks. People you went to high school with 10 years ago and will NEVER see or speak to again, not even on FB. People you met randomly through someone else. People you work with, but aren't really friends with. We accept people for all of the wrong reasons. I am not a notch in the FB friend belt people. I only want to have people on my FB who I actually engage with in life. People I speak to and see regularly, real friends and family and people who I care about and who care about me. Facebook should be comprised of REAL. I am a quality over quantity girl. I don't care to be the 600th friend whom people scroll over to get to a better post or to get pissy over the things I say and WHO I AM.  If you aren't gonna talk to me and you don't care about what I say, but then secretly read my shit and stock it for ammunition to talk shit about or judge then please locate your nearest UNFRIEND button and GTFO. Nobody HAS to be FB friends. If you wouldn't notice my absence then don't ask in the first place.

If you don't KNOW me, don't request access to a medium that I share who I am on and then judge me.

I don't think that I should feel bad for saying what I want just because people who it's not intended for can read it. I really only need about 20 of my FB peeps to see what I say, my posts are only really meant for them anyway because they are the only ones who really care about the typical day to day of my life. All of the those other people don't notice a damn thing until they think it applies to them or touches on one of their interests. I find out who all of the creepers are who I never thought paid any attention to me when I post something that has anything that THEY THINK has to do with them. They don't actually comment or like things of course, but will then bring it up later.

And please don't get me wrong, I like all of the people on my FB, that's why I ever accepted their "friend request" at all, but I really don't need all of the 150 people on my FB to see what I am saying all the time. And to be honest, a lot of my acquaintances didn't really "know" me before they asked me to be their FB friend. They have probably since discovered that I am a pretty intense individual and maybe don't even like the things that I have to say. I also have professional connections now on FB and it's already bitten me in the ass. This is my PRIVATE page. If you can't understand the distinction then don't be my friend on there. Don't use my private words against me in the professional world. I know, there is something to be said about who a person is in private, but I am not a bad person. Like anyone, there are things you can say and do in private that you cannot say and do everywhere else. Doesn't mean I am a bad person in private, it means that I know the difference between when certain words are appropriate or not and when it's OK to use them. Doesn't mean that I am not a professional.

Bottomline. I don't need numbers, I need my real friends. I haven't lost sight of the fact that FB was created to connect people, GENUINELY. If you regularly interact with me and I with you.  You're safe. If you scroll past me and never comment, like, message or anything, then what's the point? Honestly. I appreciate your extension of warmth, but we could still be acquaintances outside of FB where we can share what we want with who we want.

I've said before that Facebook is like a billboard. A lot of people see it, but most people don't really care about or really get the message. They read and react to it how they want and you as the "poster" have no control over how the message is perceived. Perhaps then the answer is to choose your audience instead of letting your audience have free reign to make what they want of your words. Maybe, just maybe.

These are a few of my fave-or-ite peeps!

Favorite- person or thing liked most: somebody or something that is liked most of all or preferred to all others.

I do not use the word favorite lightly. There are very few people who have earned the role of favorite in my life and in a world where we often encounter people who are less than favorable, I think my favorites deserve to be shown some love!

This small and wonderful group of people make my life brighter, help keep a smile on my face, and help maintain my sanity in moments when I need it most. Without them, it would be much easier to succumb to the negative and sadder aspects of this world, but luckily, I have them!

Travis AKA my Sunshine- You are just that. You literally light up my life. You are my best friend and the love of my life. My puzzle piece. You are so much a part of my life that that there are hardly any aspects of life that don't involve you, and that's how I like. Actually, scratch that, love it! What better way to spend life than with the one you love the muchiest! ;) So glad that despite our youth and immaturity, we both knew there was something more and never let each other go! I could write a novel about the amazing person you are and what you mean to me, but just know that I love you to the moon and back and that I know that you love me the same. I love the humor, joy and "completeness" that you bring to my life and that just being together is happiness to me. We can sit in silence and never say a word, yet compliment each other so well at the same time. Loving you is so easy, yet you know all the right ways to challenge me...thank you for being so wonderfully you and perfect for me at the same time! Love you!

Louise- My incredible and incredibly loved grandmother! My grandmother just means so much to me...she is incredibly selfless and has done things for me in times when I hardly deserved it, but she did it all the same because she loved me and that's just what great grandmothers do! She has been kind of like my other "parent" all my life and I have lived with her the majority of my life. I owe her in so many ways because she has been that rock when I needed her and I will do all that I can to show her just how much she means to me! I don't think she ever gives herself the kind of credit that she deserves, but she is more deserving than most anyone I know! It is an incredible person to do so much for others at the expense of herself, but she never even bats an eyelash. She is a queen and deserves to be treated like one to the max! I love you grandma more than you'll ever know!

Sheileen- my mother-in-law and more importantly, my friend. It is truly a wonderful thing to know that while most women complain about their mother-in-law, I truly and absolutely LOVE mine! It is a rare thing to have a soul mate in a partner, but to then find another soul mate in a totally different way in the same family, is saying something...perhaps my hubby and soul mate learned best from his mother because I love them both beyond words! Sheileen, you have filled so many emotional holes and enhanced my life in so many ways that I can't even begin to explain. I tell you more than I tell most of my friends and I do so because I know that you care and also that I know that you never judge me because you love me just the same! I trust your opinion and love listening to your wisdom, and know that you will always be there for me! I appreciate so much the bond that we have and will always have no matter where mine and Travis' relationship ends up! You are a friend, mother and true soul mate for life!

Tommy- my cousin and best friend. You know you have always been more like a brother to me because we were all raised together and spent so much time together. I love your "genuineness." You are genuine to the core. I love how good you are at just being you, and that I can be so ME with you at the same time! Besides my hubby, you are the only person I can ever TRULY be myself around because I know that you accept me for me and just know that I will ALWAYS accept you for you! You are beautiful both inside and out and I pity anyone who never has the pleasure and privilege of knowing you. I wish that I had your ability to be so like and lovable! Your energy is magnetic, you are hard to resist and my only wish is that I could see you more often...may be something we need to seriously work on cause I love every moment I spend with yo face! I just love, love, love you! Zombies and darkness and music and stuff ;)

Danielle- my most wonderfully feisty friend! Thank you for leading me to the doorway of women empowerment! Empowerment not only for myself, but for my fellow women! Thank you for being that friend who "gets it," and knows that true friendships and great friendships come from lifting each other up and being there for each other unselfishly! You are so good at being the positive light, yet still know how to incorporate your feisty roots in at the same time. And I love that you can be positive with me yet let me keep my feisty too!! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and for introducing people to your fellow women "empowerers" so that we can all benefit from the positive vibe (you know who they are)! Also, thank you for just being such a fun friend! You are always down for whatever shenanigans we all think of and make no excuses! You light up the room and make us all laugh, but can also have a serious heart to heart and give the most valuable, sincere advice at the same time! Thank you for being such a fresh breath of "great friend" air! Love ya like a feisty girl loves cupcakes! Ha ha ha

Jenny- my lifetime friend. Though we haven't known each other our whole lives, we've been friends for some of the most important moments. High school, boy drama, growing up, college and now full-on adulthood! Thank you for the sincere and genuine friendship that you always give. You are so loved by so many and it is for a reason! You have an amazing way of just being there for people and genuinely caring about them. This is something that I have always admired about you! You also have the same goofiness as I do and I can't complain about how out of control that means we can get! And it's AWESOME!! Thank you for always being there and for making such an effort out of all of your busyness to come to my little soirees! Love ya!

Kaitlyn- my lover you friend. Miss Kaitlyn, you and I have known each other for a couple years now, and sometimes it's been a roller coaster ride. But deep down, no matter what, we are friends to the core! I love how laid-back you are and yet you know when to let your hair down and act like a crazy with the rest of us! Because you are so laid-back, you also are always up for all of my shenanigans and you make every effort to be there for each and every one! Thank you for being there for me in times when I needed to vent and to always listen without judging! You have seen me at some of my rare and worst moments and you still like me somehow, lol. I love our girls nights whether it be all the girls or just us and I also enjoyed our BBQ with miss Maddie (we will have to do one of those again)! Cheers to many more years of our craziness! Lover you!

Caitlin- my sister-in-law and friend. I love that you truly embrace and cherish the moments with the family like I do, and that you make such an effort to spend time with all of us! I can't even begin to imagine what having 2 kids is like, not to mention having 2 kids while working and having a hubby with crazy hours like mine, so I think you deserve a lot of credit for balancing all that you do and still making the time to fit us all in! You are a superwoman! You and I are so alike in that we came from much smaller families, so I think we truly understand the connection of the large family we married into! I believe that the word "family" does not always apply just to the people you are blood-related to and that some of the most important people in your life are those that come from different nuclear families, who you allow and accept into your heart as family. Sometimes you choose your "blood" and you all are blood to me! Love ya!

Granted there are so many more special people in my life, these just happen to be the ones that I talk to and spend the most time with! I love and appreciate all of the people in my life, that's why you are in my life, but just felt the need to take a moment to let a few who have gone the extra, extra mile, know just how much they mean to me!